The Anomalies by Joey Goebel

tonight,’ and he said, ‘Thanks be to you.’
    “I told him he was really playing for keeps, and then he gave me some of that old Luster talk. He said, ‘Keeps? Keeper Sutherland. Trapper Keeper. I always play for keeps’ (or something like that). Then he explained how his karaoke singing was just practice for when he had a rock band one day that would conquer the whole world.
    “I told him he didn’t have to tell me about rockin out, ’cause I knew all about it. I lived for rock. Then I offered to buyhim a drink.
    “Well, he didn’t want me to buy him a drink. He snapped at me and told me to go away, and he said he was liable to bite me just for having fallopian tubes. (Those are some female parts.)
    “So I told him I’d take my chances and that my name was Opal Oglesby. Then he noticed my Dead Milkmen T-shirt. He said, ‘I like your shirt, but within it dwells a humanoid of the worst design—woman’. I told him, ‘Boy, you’re about as fun as shopping for school supplies.’
    “It turns out he was all pissy because this girl named Tonsillectomy Tina had stood his crupper up that night. He said he guessed she just didn’t take their plans as seriously as he did, and that he guessed you can’t go around acting like an alien without people treating you like one.
    “I said, ‘I think aliens are sexy,’ and he could tell right then and there that I was just as big of a strange-butt as he was. I told him I was sorry about his getting stood up, and that I’d had a lousy night, too.
    “He said, ‘Nothing feels worse than being stood up,’ and I said, ‘Yeah, that’s bad, but what about havin your date die on you while you’re bonin?’
    “He said, ‘You win,’ and then he let me buy him a drink after all. So that was the beginning. After that, we ended up dating for almost a year.”
    I check down on the floor. Luster is sound asleep, already drooling.
    “And then I dumped his cheeks. The end.”
    Ember is still awake, but she allows me to turn out the light, only if I’ll stay in the bed with her. I think how you gotta be careful nowadays with things like this just because some sickoshave ruined it for everyone else. Anyhow, she’d never admit it, but I think Ember is scared of the dark, so I agree to stay in bed with her. It’s more than her grandmas would ever do for her. Her grandmas are in their late forties/early fifties and are bigger sluts than I am.
    After I take Ember to school the next morning, I have to go in for another fucking group therapy session. I promised my nieces that I’d go to the stupid things because they’re the only relatives I’ve got. All the others are dead.
    I’m kinda looking forward to today’s session ’cause I’d like to see how Carl’s doing. We slept together one day last week.
    He comes in smiling for a change. I’m guessing he’s not hoping he’ll die now, thanks to my sexual healing. Beats the hell out of getting enemas all day, I’ll tell you that much. He winks at me, but we don’t let on like we’ve been banging each other.
    Kip the faggot skips in and begins the session. He takes roll and doesn’t mention the fact that one of us has had a stroke since the last meeting. Then he pulls out some papers and says “take one and pass it over” like he always does.
    “Okay, group. First off, this handout has a list of ways you can improve your time management skills,” he lisps. “So you can take those home and read them over yourselves. Okay. So now what I’d like to do is have what I call a ‘happiness exercise.’ I want you to think back to a time when you were completely happy. For instance, for me, my happy memory is when I cashed my high school graduation checks and went on a shopping spree at my favorite antique mall.”
    I’m sure Kip means well like everybody, but I just don’t care for him. The guy makes no effort to get outside the picture we already have of him. We all know him just by looking athim or hearing his voice,