The Exploding Detective by John Swartzwelder Page A

extent. It
never worked perfectly, but the show’s writers incorporated its flaws into
their storylines. It was really a remarkable achievement. The epitome of prop
technology. Now I’ve got it, and I’ve been using it to bring famous people back
from the past so I can blueprint them and make copies.”
    “Why make copies?
If you have Napoleon here, why not just keep him here to run your army in
person? That’s what I would do with my Napoleon.”
    “I tried that,
but The Time Nozzle kept dragging the originals back to their own time, or sending
them to the Alamo or the deck of the Titanic or something. Didn’t you see the
series, Burly?”
    “Oh, yeah. That’s
right.”
    “Just about every
famous person in history ended up on the deck of the Titanic, thanks to this
machine. That’s why the damn thing sank. Too many famous people on it.”
    “Now we know the
rest of the story.”
    “Yeah. So,
anyway, while I have them here, I make copies. Sometimes they’re still around
after I no longer need them. That’s why you saw Sitting Bull dusting the
furniture in the living room and Al Capone out on the lawn shooting weeds. But
the machine will reverse itself eventually and they’ll pop back to their own
time. The sooner that happens the better as far as I’m concerned. The originals
get tiresome after awhile. They all think they’re big-shots and want to run the
island, not clean toilets. I’ve got the original Lincoln locked in the Purple
Room over there. I hated to do it. I’ve always enjoyed our conversations. That
guy is almost as unprincipled as I am. But he won’t learn to mind his own
business. He keeps trying to free my army. Don’t touch that.”
    “I just wanted to
see how it worked. Can we bring back the dinosaurs? Or does it have to be a
famous dinosaur?”
    Overkill thought
about this. “It would be easier if he was famous. But I don’t want anybody
messing around with the controls right now. I’m close to finalizing a deal with
a company in the year 2265 to ship an army of future fighters here. A half
million of them. They are the ultimate mechanical men. They have built-in guns,
knives, torpedoes, lasers, everything. Like walking Swiss army knives. They’re
self-maintaining, and can eat anything. So once you start them up, they can
fight forever. They’ll be the backbone of my army. The elite fighting core.
Once they’re here, I’ll be ready to take over the world.”
    “What’s the hold
up?”
    “Medical
insurance and contributions to pension funds for the fighters that I don’t
particularly want to pay.”
    “Damn unions.”
    “Yeah. But we’ll
work it out. Well, you’ve seen it all now. What do you think?”
    I didn’t
hesitate. “I think there’s only one thing you need that you don’t have.”
    “What’s that?”
    “A Flying
Detective.”
    He stared at me,
first with astonishment, then with suspicion.
    “You want to join
my organization? You want to help me take over the world?”
    “Yep.”
    “Why?”
    “I’d like to be
on the winning side for once. And I don’t see how you can lose.”
    He wasn’t sure he
believed me at first. He thought it might be a trick. One of the pictures he
had of me on the wall – the one of me trying to remember whether I had eaten
yet or not – made me look pretty damned tricky. But it wasn’t a trick. Nobody
was going to stop this guy, as near as I could tell. If he was going to be
number one man in the world, I wouldn’t mind being number two.
    It took a lot to convince
him I was on the level. I had to take several different lie detector tests, say
“Yes, really” after he had said “Really?” and sign an affidavit in the presence
of a notary public, but he finally believed me. I think it was the affidavit
that did it. You can’t lie on those things. Those things are notarized. Once he
was convinced, he pumped my hand enthusiastically.
    “This is fine!
Outstanding news! Now nothing can stop us! What a team we’ll make!