The Fullness of Quiet by Natasha Orme Page A

watching a film. He sat on the end of my bed and I propped myself up.
    “How are you?” he signed.
    “Good, why?”
    “Don’t lie to me.”
    “I’m not.” He raised his eyebrow at me and I looked down at my hands. “I don’t know what to do with myself,” I answered eventually.
    “Explain.”
    “Helen needs so much comfort and attention and I want to give it to her but I just cannot be cheerful. I don’t know if I can see anything positive. All I can ever think about is losing someone else in the family and nothing has been the same since Mum died.”
    He studied me for a long moment. “Do you think Mum would have wanted everything to stay the same?” I shook my head. “Do you think Mum would have wanted you to be like this?” I shook my head again. “Jocelyn, you are a strong girl. You are stubborn and fierce when you want to be. You face everything head on and revel in it. Yes, Helen is very sick at the moment. She is not going anywhere. She is just as fierce and stubborn as you are. She will pull herself through. You need to have more faith in her.” He paused and I studied his face. He was right. After everything that had happened, he was right. I was amazed to see that he didn’t look as worn out as I thought he might. He looked fresh faced and ready to tackle the world. I smiled.
    “Would you like me to ask if Charlie can come and stay for the night?” he asked me.
    “Yes please,” I signed back. He smiled at me and then left the room.
    I sat thinking for a moment and mulled over what he’d said. I smiled at myself, climbed out of bed and began getting things ready for Charlie to come over. This time she would stay in my room.

Chapter 15
    I’d been trying so hard to remain positive about everything but the black wave of negativity didn’t stay away for long. I realized that keeping myself cooped up in the house wasn’t working.
    I walked down the road, wrapping a scarf around me. A harsh wind was making the day a little colder than I liked. I didn’t bother picking flowers today. I didn’t have the energy in me. I watched my feet as I followed the overly familiar path.
    I didn’t look up at the sun. I didn’t notice the birds. I didn’t appreciate the clouds. I just walked. One step in front of the other until I was stood outside the graveyard. I looked past the railing in front of me at the rows of headstones. The metal fence was cool to touch and I just stood there, not being able to muster the strength to enter.
    I took a deep breath and pulled open the gate. It felt heavy and creaked loudly at the hinges. I stepped onto the gravel path and felt the small stones underneath my step. I made my way to Mum’s grave, passing all the other unknowns. I stood looking down at it for a long time. My mind simply went blank. I was unsure what I was supposed to achieve by coming here. I didn’t really want to talk about it but I had to.
    I sat down in the grass with my legs folded underneath me. I let my hair fall across my face as I played with the green blades of vegetation around me. I sat in the silence that was my life and I waited. I waited for something, anything. I didn’t know what I wanted; I just wanted something to happen.
    I’d almost given up all hope. A shadow appeared on the ground next to me and I looked up but the glow of the sun behind them obscured their face. I didn’t know who they were. I didn’t want to talk to a stranger. They stepped around until I could see their face. It was Joshua.
    I didn’t know where to look but I knew I didn’t want to look at his face. I looked back at the grass I’d been fiddling with but he didn’t leave. He sat down next to me and waited. I guessed he was waiting for me to say something to him but I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I refused. Why should I be the first one to speak? He’s been here ages and still hadn’t made the effort to even acknowledge me.
    We sat in silence for a very long time. I don’t know how long but it felt like