The Gospel According to the Son by Norman Mailer

firmest of my beliefs could be in errorùI was like a man whose foot has slipped on the edge of a cliff.
    A second fear followed the first. Many were already saying that John had risen from the dead. He was bringing forth mighty works and miracles. Some were ready to believe that John and Jesus were one. The peril was clear. If Herod Antipas had slain John the Baptist once, he might not fail to kill him again. The way of John's death was a scourge to my sleep.
    My disciples had told me how it came about. They had heard much, and from many: Herod first imprisoned John as punishment for saying: "It is not lawful for you to take your dead brothers wife." Lady Herodias, once married to Philip, the brother, was now wed to Herod Antipas. Having heard those words, Herodias, the new wife, reviled John's name. Then she reviled Herod Antipas. He had not punished John. Finally, the king ordered his guard to arrest the preacher. A monarch is weak before the righteous wrath of a queen who is without righteousness.
    Yet Herodias could not convince Herod Antipas to name a day when the Baptist would be executed. The king still feared such an act. Who knew what powers God had given to John?
    On the birthday of Herod Antipas, a feast was prepared in the fortress of Machaerus. Before all of the lords and high captains, Salome, the daughter of Herodias and the dead brother, now danced. Salome danced so ardently that Herod Antipas put her in a seat of honor beside him. Then he said: "Ask of me what you will. I will give it." Salome replied that his words were without weight. They had been promised to the air and only to the air.
    Herod Antipas now gave his vow: "Whatever you ask for, I will give, even if you ask for half of my kingdom. That is my oath."
    A king's oath weighs as much as the keel of the ship that he builds for his soul; his oath strengthens him. To break such a vow would leave him damned by the filth of his own deeds and the bloody misdeeds of his servants.
    When Salome told her mother what the king had promised, Herodias said, "Ask for the head of John the Baptist."
    Herod Antipas honored his oath. In that hour, he sent for an executioner and ordered the head of John to be brought to him. And when it was carried into the banquet room, Herod Antipas gave it to Salome. She is said to have placed it on a silver platter and then danced with it before Herod's guests.
    I did not often sleep. Alone in my cave, I looked for solace in the thought that God was near while Herod Antipas was in his palace and far away.
    In the darkness I wept. John's way had been hard. He never drank wine, yet many said that he had a devil; now of me, what would they say? "A drunkard and a glutton. A devil equal to Beelzebub." My apostles would meet many who would not listen to them.

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    There came the day when they returned. They were woeful as they spoke of their attempts to cure others. They asked me often: "Why could we not cast out devils? All things should be possible to him who believes."
    I told them that even when one prayed for one's faith to be perfect, a portion of oneself remained without faith. "I asked a man once if he could believe. He answered, 'Lord, I believe. Help me in my disbelief.' This," I told them, "is wisdom!"
    My disciples were still gloomy. They had failed to cure the sick.
    I decided to embark again with them on the Sea of Galilee. Boats could always be found for us by Levi, who knew many ship owners who wished to please him since he counted their taxes. So we were soon able to escape our followers for a few hours. Yet some people saw us departing and followed on foot around the empty shore. When we landed and went up into a mountain, they continued to follow.
    I had been weary from loss of sleep when we set out, but now I was moved with compassion and was ready to teach once more. How could I not? I knew every error I had made. My throng were like sheep without a shepherd, and I had given them quick hope that they could