she laid into me with that strap. I was taller than she was by now, stronger too, and I could have ripped the strap from her hands, but I would never have disrespected my mama in that fashion. Instead, I moved quick, so she only got a few licks on me; still, she kept on flailing that strap. I supposed it was the principle of the thing with her. I had disobeyed her, I had disrespected her, and she wouldnât tolerate that. After all, as she said, she always had been, and always would be, my mama, and I knew that was true. There was no changing that, and in truth, I didnât want to. I remember that whipping in particular, because that was the last time my mama whipped me.
Â
The next day and the days that followed, I refused to eat in my daddyâs house. In fact, I wouldnât even enter his house, not even to see my mama. But after a week my daddy changed that. He ordered me back to his table. âYou might not like it,â he said to me, âbut when I sit down to supper with just my family, I expect all my children on this place to be sitting down at the table with me.â
âCanât make me,â I said.
âIâm your daddy,â he said. âYou want to test me on what I can do?â
Needless to say, I sat at my daddyâs table, but I never forgot why I had been sent from it.
Â
By the time I was dealing with all my realizations about my two families, my sister, Cassie, had moved to Atlanta and was married. At first she had gone to school there, and later she met Howard Milhouse. After their marriage when Cassie was seventeen, she and her husband, who was nearly some ten years older, set up a little store and they were now living in back of it. Since Cassie had married, she had come home only a few times, and I missed her terribly. After that day Iâd gotten so upset about not being allowed at my daddyâs table, I wrote to her and told her my thoughts, for I figured only she could truly understand how I felt. Cassie didnât write back; she came instead.
âYou know, Cassie,â I said when we were alone, âthere are times I donât feel good about our mama . . . I mean, for being with a white man.â
âYouâre talking as if you think she had a choice about the thing.â
I was silent.
âPaul, she was his property, just like everything else around here.â
âWell . . . I know at first she didnât have much of a sayââ
â Much of a say? What about no say?â
âBut that was nearly twenty years ago, before you were born. Whyâd she keep on being with him after we were free? Whatâs she doing with him now?â
âYou ever thought maybe itâs because she loves him? Besides, itâs her life now.â
âI asked her once, you know.â
âAsked her what?â
âIf she loved him, and if she didnât, then whyâd she stay with him?â
âAnd what she tell you?â
âSaid she supposed she did love him and, besides, if she ran off and took me with her, heâd come after us.â
âDonât you think he would?â
I shrugged. âI suppose.â
âHeâs our daddy, Paul.â
âWell, sometimes I wish he wasnât. She raised his family, both sides of it, and what does she have to show for it? This house and this little bit of ground he lets her stay on, while sheâs still up there taking care of his big house and him.â
Cassie studied me before she spoke again. âPaul, youâre sounding awfully resentful.â
âGot a right to be. I been picked on all my life âcause of him and her, and donât tell me you donât know how it feels.â
âIâll tell you this, little brother. I wonât stand for you disrespecting either one of them, not our daddy, not our mama.â
I met her eyes and looked away.
âNow, what they done and what they feel, itâs their business and
Charles Dickens, Matthew Pearl