The Life List (The List Trilogy) by Chrissy Anderson Page A

“Liberating and impossible all at the same time.”
    “Why is it impossible?”
    “It just is.”
    “But why do you think that?”
    “I’d be too much for him to tolerate. I’d be opinionated and strong-minded. He’d be mad at me ALL THE TIME!”
    “He’d be mad at you for being authentic, for being you ?”
    “Yep.”
    “Chrissy, how can you be on a real team with Kurt when you’re not real with him?”
    I hate her. As if she knows, she changes the subject.
    “What’s your relationship like with your parents?” I’m getting a little uptight now.
    “Fine.”
    “How do you think they’d react to what you did on Saturday?”
    “They’d probably expect I’d screw up sooner or later.”
    “Any close friends?”
    “Yeah, my best friends from high school: Courtney, Kelly, and Nicole.
    Kurt’s also good friends with their husbands. We do a lot together.”
    “How would they react to what you did on Saturday night?”
    “They’d be confused because they think Kurt and I are perfect.”
    “Have you thought about confiding in them?”
    “No way.”
    “Do you think their relationship with him is more important to them than their relationship with you?”
    “Of course not, they love me like I’m their sister! I just can’t tell them. Nobody can know about this.”
    She’s compassionately nodding her head; she can sense I’m on the brink of a meltdown. I have an overwhelming feeling that I’m fucked.
    “Chrissy, you did really well today, but I’d like to set up another appointment for next week. Will that work for you?”
    I did really well today ????? We didn’t accomplish a damn thing! I gotta leave here with unresolved issues? What the hell?!?!?!?!?
    “Sure, next week sounds good.” I’m such a pathetic pleaser.
    “Good. I’d like to talk about your family a little bit more. Would that be alright with you?”
    I give her an exasperated “Sure.”
    “Hunny, therapy’s a marathon, not a sprint. I can tell you’re a fine young woman and I want to help you, but in order to do that I have to learn a lot more about you. My hope is that you will also learn a lot about yourself. You will find the answers you need in this process and you will be okay. Just give it some time.”
    “I hear what you’re saying, Dr. Maria, but what if I slip again? What if I cave into the urge to call Leo? I can’t get him off of my mind.”
    “That’s a tough one.”
    Jesus, what good are you people ?
    “But, what I can tell you is that you should do whatever feels right to you. Yes, you made a vow to your husband, and I know it’s killing you that you broke it, but Chrissy your first commitment is to yourself. If you’re not happy you will never make another living soul happy. I’m not condoning adultery, but I’m also not condoning a miserable existence. That being said, I would hate to see you compound the guilt you’re already feeling. So it would be best to resist the urge to contact Leo until you know what you’d be contacting him for. Do you think you’ll be okay until we meet next week?”
    What am I thinking? I’m here to fix my marriage; of course I can make it a week. I have to make it a week . I nod my head yes like it’s no biggie, but the hole in my heart that’s flashing a big neon vacancy sign says otherwise.

 
     
    I was thinking if you were lonely
    Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
    At least not to the point that we would think so
    Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about
    Somebody else
    (Back 2 Good/Matchbox 20)

 
     
    Daydreamer
     
     
    February, 1998
     
     
    It’s too early to tell if Dr. Maria will be able to help me, but for now it’s nice to know that I can say Leo’s name out loud to someone. I felt kinda normal for about a day after meeting with her, but then yesterday I was back in la la land, fantasizing about the night I met him and resisting every urge to pick up the phone and call him.
    As much as I’d like to sit around and