The Love Machine & Other Contraptions by Nir Yaniv Page B

coming.”
    “And relax,” said Schwartz.
    We sauntered over to the small figure which was Elijah, a few hundred yards to the north.
    “What a nudnik ,” I said.
    “What a nudnik ,” I thought faintly.
    “Huh?” said Schwartz.
    “Huh?” I thought, more assuredly.
    Elijah waved his VegeStain excitedly and pointed to a green lump, some form of strange distorted vegetation on the ground beside him.
    “Hey!” I said.
    “Hey!” I thought, almost aloud.
    “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I thought.
    Schwartz looked at me.
    “I think so,” I thought, in a slightly different voice.
    “See how wonderful it is!” Elijah yelled. “Exactly what I’ve been looking for!” —and my thoughts immediately repeated his words.
    “Wait a second,” I said and thought, “Something strange is going on.”
    The plant seemed, upon closer inspection, like an old tent stricken with Elephant Man’s disease. Bluish crystals glittered on the ground around it.
    “This thing reads thoughts and sends them back?” I thought, and understood that the thought came from Schwartz.
    “Probably,” I thought. “Hold on a moment. Let’s try something. Hello! Who are you? ”
    “Hello! Who are you?”
    “Just perfect!” said Elijah. “Would you believe this, and right on the first day?”
    “I am Schwartz,” I thought strongly, “and who are you?”
    “Me... you...” I thought in a foreign voice.
    It seemed as if the green blob was shaking one of its tendrils, but I wasn’t absolutely sure. Perhaps the crystals shined a little as well. Who knows.
    “Look!” Elijah exulted. He pointed the VegeScatt to the green glob and pressed the button.
    “I... not you...” I thought.
    “This thing is talking to us!” said Schwartz. “I don’t believe it!”
    “Beep beep!” said the VegeSnot, and a green light shone valorously.
    “Perfect!” said Elijah, plucked the green plant, stuffed it in his mouth and began to chew.
    ~
    We searched for many weeks following, but could not find any other vegetation like it. Schwartz and I (Elijah had an upset stomach) mapped out the entire continent. We sent out telepathic messages over land, sea and air—to no avail. It could be that the other plants had learned a lesson from the tragic fate of their friend. And who could blame them?
    Elijah spent the rest of his time on the planet gulping down any plant he could get his hands on. We could not explain to him what he had done.
    In the end, we didn’t report it. Try and explain that a vegetarian ate—devoured!—the first intelligent alien life mankind had ever discovered.
    ~
    On the way home, one night while Elijah was asleep, we threw the VegeSchmuck out of the airlock.

Contraption: Light Machine
    Someone shut down the sun. It’s up to you to save us. Build us a machine which creates light. It shouldn’t be very big. It should be energy-efficient. It should be good for the environment. It should be yellow, so as to remind us of our old sun. It should be green, using recycled materials. It should be blue and white and red, for obvious reasons. Or maybe just blue and white? Or maybe red and white? Anyway, it should have a cross on it. Or a crescent. Or a Star of David. It should be named appropriately. It should belong to everybody, give equal light and heat to all. We here, of course, should get a bit more than the rest. And hurry, we’re freezing.
    Know what? Don’t do it. Let’s give this job to a committee.

Love Machine
    “Anyone attempting to produce random sins by purely arithmetic means is, of course, in a state of numbers.”
    —John von Neumann

    There was a man who could not fall in love.
    Or so, at least, he thought. Galileo—that was the name his parents had given him in a fit of creativity, his mother having adamantly refused such names as “Tycho” or “Nicholaus” (Copernicus, of course), which just goes to show you what happens to people who let their hobbies influence the naming of their