The Mad and the MacAbre by Jeff Strand

rule against dating co-workers just like I do.
But you really should come with us for drinks on Wednesday. Coffee
counts as a drink."
    "Maybe."
    "Is that a legitimate maybe, or a maybe
meaning no?"
    "A legitimate one."
    "Great! We'll look forward to having you
along."
    Charlie returned to his desk, feeling
humiliated. He never should have asked her out. That was idiotic.
There was no possible way she'd ever have said "yes," and now she'd
go around the office telling everybody what he'd done.
    He could hear her voice: "Oh, he's got a
cute little crush on me! It's so adorable!" She probably thought he
was a pathetic little puppy, following her around, too stupid to
know that she was out of his league.
    He wasn't sure if he should go with them on
Wednesday or not. Most likely, Alicia had just invited him to
escape from the awkward social situation.
    He'd leave her alone from now on.
    * * *
    After an endless day, Charlie drove home. At
least he knew Kutter wouldn't decline his invitation to go for a
walk.
    As soon as his key touched the lock, he
could hear Kutter's happy barking on the other side of the door. He
opened the door and his best friend gave him the usual wildly
enthusiastic greeting. "Good boy," Charlie said, crouching down and
petting him. "You're always a good boy, aren't you?"
    He glanced over at his couch.
    No new tooth marks. No stuffing all over the
floor.
    However, there was a big puddle of vomit on
the left cushion, much of which had trickled down the front and
onto his carpet.
    "Aw, come on, Kutter, why would you do
that?" Charlie asked. "You couldn't hold it in until I got home?
I've got an entire kitchen of tiled floor that you could've puked
on. Why did you need to do that on my couch?"
    Kutter did not answer.
    "What are you even eating
that you would've--aw, shit! "
    Literally.
    "That's horrible, Kutter. Horrible. That's a
horrible thing to eat and a horrible thing to vomit on my couch. I
can't believe you would do that."
    Charlie's was not always a
life of great dignity--after all, he'd once found himself in his
basement sobbing over the corpse of a victim who'd died too
soon--but he'd never eaten and thrown up his own feces. Even his
moments of most intense shame were never that low.
    "You suck, Kutter." Charlie glared at his
dog. "If I had let you lick my face before I saw that, you'd be out
on the street."
    Oh well. If there was one thing that
Charlie's home didn't lack, it was cleaning supplies.
    He took Kutter for a much shorter walk than
usual, then brought him back inside and took off his leash. When
Charlie opened the basement door, Kutter pushed past him and ran
down the stairs. Charlie didn't bother calling him back--Kutter
couldn't jump up on the table, and Patti couldn't get down, so it
really didn't matter if the dog was down there or not.
    He had mentally run through scenarios all
day, trying to figure out how he could let Patti go without putting
himself in serious danger. He couldn't think of any, except to
leave her here and flee to his cabin, but even in that scenario
he'd be more likely to get captured and arrested than if he just
killed her. Still, he was the first to admit that he didn't always
think of every possibility, and he hoped that she'd been more
successful.
    Kutter scampered around the room while
Charlie cut off Patti's gag. "Do you have to go to the bathroom?"
he asked.
    "No."
    "Are you sure?"
    "Yes."
    She looked scared, but she also looked
defiant. She could be as defiant as she wanted--she was still
strapped to a table, and she wasn't getting away.
    "I tried to find a solution," Charlie said.
"I really did. What did you come up with?"
    "Here's what I came up with. If you kill me,
my parents will hunt you down to the ends of the earth. You will
never know another moment of peace. You will--"
    Charlie put his hand over her mouth. "I
didn't ask you to come up with a speech. Is that really all you've
got for me? A threat? All this time down here and your answer is to
tell me