grown-up ones?’ asked Matilda.
I looked at Chris. It was a good compromise and no doubt he, like me, was wishing one of us had come up with it earlier. It was too late now, though. We were due to leave in ten minutes. I was also aware that it would feel a little like those arrangements children of divorced parents have on Christmas Day. And having hated it myself as a teenager, I didn’t want to put Josh through the same thing.
‘Good idea, love. Maybe next year we can do that, eh?’
Matilda sighed.
I was praying she wouldn’t take the protest any further; I suspected from the look on his face that Chris was approaching breaking point.
‘We might see them while we’re there,’ she said, her face brightening for a second. ‘We’ll probably be standing right near them.’
‘I doubt it, love,’ I said, stroking her hair. ‘Remember how busy it is? There are thousands of people there. We probably won’t see them.’
‘We will if I ask Josh to wear something bright. I could lend him my flashing Santa hat, then we could easily spot him.’
I smiled at her, though the thought of Chris having to make small talk to Lydia in front of Matilda and Josh was actually making me feel rather queasy inside. ‘Look, I’m afraid it’s just not going to happen, love. Now, let’s get our coats on and wrap up warm, it’s nearly time to go.’
‘She’s spoiling it,’ said Matilda, her voice an octave higher and considerably louder than previously. ‘I don’twant Josh to have another mum. I want it to be like it was before. I want her to go away again.’
I could see the whites of Chris’s knuckles. Hear him choking back the words which were, no doubt, fighting to come out. I hurried Matilda into the hallway, desperate to get her out of the house as quickly as possible. It was only then I saw Josh on the landing.
‘It’s OK,’ he said, ‘I’m coming with you.’
‘No, love,’ I said, ‘you don’t have to do that. We can handle it.’
‘No, Mum texted. She can’t make it.’
It was as if the light from Josh’s face had somehow been drained and fed directly into Matilda’s.
‘Yay! Josh is coming with us,’ she said. ‘We’re all going to the fireworks together.’
‘Did she say why?’ I asked Josh.
‘Something about a guy she’d met at the Trades Club last night.’
I caught Chris’s eye. He appeared to be torn between being mad at Lydia and relieved that Josh was coming with us.
He pulled on his jacket. ‘Right,’ he said. ‘Last one down the hill is the boring Catherine wheel of the firework box.’
‘I like Catherine wheels,’ said Matilda.
‘Then the last one can be a Roman candle.’
‘I like them too.’
‘Well,’ said Chris, giving her a squeeze, ‘it doesn’t matter if you’re last, then, does it?’
They went out of the door, laughing and poking eachother. I put my scarf on and pulled my hat down over my ears.
‘I’m sorry, love,’ I said to Josh. ‘I know you were looking forward to seeing her.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ he said as he took his coat from the peg.
It did, though. It clearly mattered very much.
And then one day he hit Millie.
And all the times he’d hit me went flashing through my mind. Only instead of seeing me, I saw him hitting Millie, heard her screaming, saw her arms and her legs turn black and blue and saw his footprint on her belly, and I knew I couldn’t stay there a second longer.
I just scooped her up off the floor and walked out of the door.
7
‘Is it OK if I go out tonight, to a club?’
Josh’s voice was the brightest it had been for a week, which made it very difficult to say no. I glanced at Chris. He shrugged and nodded.
‘I guess so,’ I said. ‘But I thought you and Tom were watching a film at his place?’
‘I’m not going with Tom,’ Josh said.
I knew instantly what that meant. Chris must have too.
He snapped down the lid of his laptop. ‘So who are you going with?’he asked.
Josh looked down