The Matzo Ball Heiress by Laurie Gwen Shapiro

follow-up.”
    “Want me to handle it?”
    “I’ve taken care of it. I met him for dinner.”
    “That was his follow-up?”
    “Well, he wants our family on TV celebrating Passover. And get this, live! ”
    “Ooh,” Jake says, as if he’s been punched in the groin. “What did you say? And who’d watch anyway?”
    “He says curious Christians would tune in live, and ‘those other folks’ a few days later. Then I think they want to make it a holiday perennial like The Grinch or It’s a Wonderful Life .”
    “That’s just nuts. What did you say?”
    “Well of course we’re not going to do the seder , but I said I’d get back to him. I figure you’d help me out with an excuse. I’m rather pissed off, to tell the truth. I thought he was interested in me. I was sorely mistaken.”
    “You’re gorgeous , don’t worry. And you know—I’m just thinking out loud here—maybe we should consider the broadcast, Heath.”
    “It’s unpleasant to even joke about such a foul idea.”
    “Seriously.”
    “Seriously, what? We don’t have a family celebration, remember? No one in our family even knows how to read Hebrew.”
    “Except your father.”
    “Lot of good that does us. Jake, let’s get this over with. What should I say to Meyers?” I’ve demoted the dipstick to a last name.
    “No, let’s talk this out. Maybe we should do this. I’m thinking like a businessman here.” There is a long pause before Jake picks up again. I can hear him breathing as he collects his words. “I don’t want to getcha upset, but our market share is going way downhill this year.”
    This is out of left field. “We’re the bestselling brand. Recession-proof, in the Bible, remember?”
    “See, Heath, the other brands spend big bucks on advertising now that they’re out of family ownership and in big conglomerates. They have corporate muscle behind them. We rely on word of mouth for our sales. Advertising is hardly budgeted. And you may not have registered this fully, but our profits have been sinking steadily.”
    “Well, you didn’t exactly highlight this before.”
    “I didn’t want to alarm you.”
    “You’re alarming me now.” My turn to pause. I’m somewhere between shocked and furious. “Think it through, Jake. Where are we going to get the family? There’s you, Siobhan and me. God knows I’m not dating anyone. Greg’s reeling in the marlin and chasing tail come Passover. And your appalling other cousins, what are you going to do—send them an invite through their lawyer? This is a deranged plan. This is not the way to address an emergency. We could hire a real advert—”
    “Maybe if I asked Marcy and Rebecca straight out, gave them the truth, they’d say yes. If I tell them we need to get out there to avoid being eaten by the competition, they’d have to help us out. They want to keep this company profitable as much as we do.”
    “You want our nasty relatives who abhor us on television with us? That’s a great image to get out there. And who the hell would lead the seder? It would be a group humiliation. We’d have to use English Haggadahs to read from, because no one will pull off the Hebrew prayers. This is the traditional family picture you want to put forth?”
    “You’re probably right about Marcy and Rebecca. On second thought, I don’t think they’ll come.”
    “If you’re drumming up fake family members,” I practically yell, “then I might ask my mailman. He’s from Russia, studying Hebrew, now that he can. Has a wife and a toddler here. He can be our dear uncle Oleg. You’d like that?”
    “How old is he?”
    “Jake,” I hiss, “I’m not inviting my mailman. That was sarcasm.”
    “Why don’t you ask him anyway? An accent sounds authentic in a Jewish setting. And mailmen deliver thousands of porn magazines to their residents. They know how to keep a secret.”
    “Jake—”
    “Siobhan will be Shoshanna, of course. We’ll get books out of the library to prep her.