The Nanny by Melissa Nathan

recharged at least every other day—don’t we all?—your number is here on this card. Please keep it on at all times and feel free to give the number to friends and family. It is yours now. You may get calls for Francesca but that won’t go on for long and you’ll always know because they can’t speak English and don’t expect her to be able to either.
    â€œMy work number is here.” She handed Jo her card. “Extension 4435 if the girl on reception doesn’t put you through immediately or cuts you off. Dick’s work number is here.” She handed Jo Dick’s card. “No extension number, but sometimes he doesn’t answer because there’s a customer in the shop and he’s out celebrating.
    â€œHere is your set of front door keys, our home alarm code is 4577 hash or gate, under the stairs, write that down if you need to but never keep it in the same bag as the door keys, because if you lose it and we’re burgled, we won’t get anything back on insurance and Dick will hire someone to kill you. Please activate it whenever you go out. We don’t turn it on at night just in case one of the children wanders downstairs and sets it off. Here are your car keys, you are third-party insured and a member of the AA. There are speed cameras on every road that doesn’t have speed bumps. The children get carsick over sixty miles an hour. Always keep spare paper bags in the glove compartment.”
    She frowned again. “I recommend you clean out the cats’ litter tray at least every other day. Otherwise, it gets unbearable. Just feed them at lunch, cat food in the utility room, I do breakfast and Dick does dinner. It’s the one job we’ve managed to share. Fish food is in the utility room, the children feed Homer once a week, usually Fridays, but they do need help getting him down. I don’t want them climbing the work tops. And I don’t want cat food in the fish tank, as the last-but-one nanny found out when it lost her her job and killed the fish.”
    Vanessa leaned in and whispered. “This is actually Homer I-I.” She tapped her nose. “Entre nous.”
    They blinked at each other, Jo feeling the blood draining from her limbs.
    Vanessa leaned out again. “I suppose you want to unpack now,” she said brightly.
    â€œNot really,” said Jo.
    â€œMaybe tomorrow then,” said Vanessa, sympathetically.
    Jo nodded without moving her head.
    Vanessa stood up and walked to the fridge, took out a bottle of wine and, looking back at Jo, pointed at it, her perfect eyebrows arked in a question.
    Jo shook her head. “I think I might go to bed actually, if that’s alright.”
    Vanessa’s eyes widened.
    â€œOf course!” she exclaimed. “You must be exhausted. Just say good night to the children and you’re a free agent.”
    Jo saying good night to the children was clearly more for Vanessa’s good night’s sleep than for Jo or the children’s. Following Vanessa’s directions, Jo popped her head round the corner of Tallulah’s room. Tallulah was already in bed thumb in mouth, eyelids drooping as Daddy told her a story. Jo whispered good night to her and got a beguiling smile back. She knocked on Cassandra’s door and found Cassandra sitting up on her bed, writing furiously into a furry pink diary. Jo said good night and Cassandra looked momentarily distracted, answered politely, then returned to her writing. Then Jo went upstairs to say good night to Zak.
    She never saw the light saber coming and didn’t stand a chance. At the sound of it hitting her skull, Zak bounced out of bed squealing with delight. His plan had worked! No burglar would see it coming! He was an Action Hero! He clutched his willy in excitement.
    Vanessa was very sympathetic. “Little shit,” she confided to Jo, while rubbing arnica in her forehead. “One day I’m going to stick that