The New Death and others by James Hutchings

admit that she didn't know what the
word meant (it doesn't actually mean anything). "Furthermore," he
continued, "I will not waive my fee unless you can guess my name.
Which of course--"
    "It's Rumpelstiltskin," said the girl.
    "--you never w...how did you do that?" The
girl turned her laptop to face him, so he could see that she had
googled "gnome bullshit gold guess name". Rumpelstiltskin cursed,
and had to teach the girl how to spin the gold for free.
    He then appeared to another poor girl, this
time without a laptop, whose mother had also sold her into slavery
(telling her it was a welfare-to-work program).
    "O woe is me," said the girl. "My cruel
master has told me I must spin this bullshit into gold, or be
executed. This is a surprisingly common problem in today's
society."
    "Cry no more my dear," said Rumpelstiltskin.
"For the price of the necklace you wear, I shall teach you how to
spin your gold."
    "Oh, thank you so much!" said the girl,
drying her eyes.
    "Furthermore," he continued, "I will not
waive my fee unless you can guess my name."
    "I couldn't possibly do that," said the girl.
Rumpelstiltskin cackled with glee, and taught the girl the secret
of spinning bullshit into gold.
    "What a wonderful job you've done," said the
girl. "I'll certainly choose you for all my magic gold-spinning
training needs. Do you have a business card?"
    "Of course," said Rumpelstiltskin, and handed
it over.
    "Thanks. Your name is Rumpelstiltskin," said
the girl. Again Rumpelstiltskin cursed, and again he went on his
way without payment.
    Frustrated and disappointed, Rumpelstiltskin
spoke to his friend the giant.
    "Why don't you just stop giving people free
training if they guess your name?" asked the giant. "Or, come to
think of it, why don't you forget about clients, and just make
gold?"
    "Oh dear," laughed Rumpelstiltskin. "You
obviously don't understand finance."
    "I suppose I don't," said the giant. "I don't
really need to. Every time I run out of gold the king gives me some
more."
    "What? Why?"
    "I'm too big to fail."
    "That's ridiculous! That's so unfair!"
    "Not really. It's good for the peasants as
well. They get eaten, I pee on them. It's called the trickle-down
effect."
    Rumpelstiltskin went on his way, feeling very
hard-done-by. As he walked, he found a lamp lying in the road. He
picked it up, and rubbed it, and a genie came forth.
    "My goodness," said Rumpelstiltskin. "Genies
are Arabian. What are you doing in a vaguely-defined location in
Europe?"
    "O gnome, this is a sad tale," replied the
genie. "There was once a Caliph who had two camels. One camel was
virtuous in all things, while the other was virtuous in
none..."
    Several hours later, Rumpelstiltskin
interrupted the genie.
    "Right, good, I think I've got the gist of it
anyway. Very unfortunate. Do you grant wishes?"
    "Only ones that rebound ironically," said the
genie.
    "Oh. Well, never mind," said Rumpelstiltskin.
"But wait--you're still a genie that grants wishes. I can legally
sell the lamp, and then when the owner wishes he could get rid of
you, I can be there to take you back and sell you again!"
    "Um...OK, if you're sure this is legit," said
the genie doubtfully. So Rumpelstiltskin picked up the lamp and
took it with him.
    Rumpelstiltskin hurried in the town square
with the lamp. He stood on a tree stump and called for everyone to
hear him.
    "Look at this!" he cried, brandishing the
lamp. "I found it lying in the road! And do you know what was
inside? A genie!"
    "What's a genie?" asked a farmer.
    "Well, it's a sort of magic spirit that comes
from Arabia, and..."
    "Arabia? What's it doing here? Are there more
of them coming?"
    "Um...there might be I suppose."
    "They're going to take our jobs!" cried
someone in the crowd.
    "It's true! It's true!" said an old woman.
"I've been on the waiting list to move into a shoe for months! It
must be because they get first pick!"
    "Well...possibly," said Rumpelstiltskin.
    "And I heard that they made the sky fall!"
said a