The Prince Charles Letters by David Stubbs Page A

Wales

    Julian Clary
    c/o Channel 4
    Charlotte Street
    London
    England
    22 September 1992

    Dear Mr Clary

    Regarding my letter the other day, I’ve given the matter further thought and decided to give the matter no further thought. It is quite unthinkable!

    Yours &c
    HRH The Prince of Wales

    Eileen Derbyshire
    (aka Emily Bishop)
    c/o Granada Studios
    Manchester
    England
    18 January 1994

    Dear Miss Derbyshire

    Well, for reasons you have doubtless read about my own life has become something of a ‘soap opera’, as I find myself in a so-called ‘love triangle’. I sometimes wish, as with you, that the credits could roll and there might be a day or so respite before it all strikes up again but alas, life is life – a 24-hour a day commitment!
    I am sure you have read all about my affairs in the newspapers so I shan’t rake over them here. Suffice to say, I do find myself wondering what Emily would have made of it all. I feel you are disappointed in me, Emily, the way you sometimes are in Ken when he goes ‘off the rails’ – or worse, Mike Baldwin. I suspect Emily might even scold me. Would you? I think I’d find that hard to bear, like a mother’s harsh words.
    If you could, in Emily’s character, find a few words to say to me that you think might be both wise and reassuring at this time, I’d dearly appreciate reading them. If, however, you feel that Emily would be unable to bring herself to comment, perhaps you could get Percy Sugden, your lodger (or the actor who plays him at any rate) to convey to me a similar message to that effect.

    Yours, in eternal confusion
    HRH The Prince of Wales

    Noel Edmonds
    ‘Crinkley Bottom’
    BBC Television Centre
    London
    England
    6 April 1994

    Hello there, Noel!

    And no, this isn’t one of your hilarious ‘spoofs’ – this is the actual Prince Charles. You’re something of a national institution, you know – from The Multi-Coloured Swap Shop to ‘Mr Blobby’ and the ‘House Party’, somehow you and your familiar beard sum up England and its mentality.
    I have a favour to ask: I’m doing a presentation on eco-sustainability in Lancashire, in the regions. It’s an outdoor event and there will be young people there. It would impress them enormously if you were to make an ‘impromptu’ appearance. I see it mapping out as follows: I begin an address on the need to drastically cut down on our frivolous, wasteful use of fossil fuels. In your helicopter you descend from the skies, land, step out and in a few words endorse everything I’ve said, adding some comments about the need to conserve oil. Then you step back into your helicopter and with one last wave, fly off. I think it would really drive home ‘the’ message.

    ‘Blobbily’ yours!
    HRH The Prince of Wales

    Spike Milligan
    c/o The British Broadcasting Corporation
    Wood Lane
    London
    England
    18 August 1994

    Dear Mr Milligan

    You can keep your Monty Pythons, your Jim Davidsons, your Harry Enfields and Reg Varneys – much as I remain uncrowned, so too do you – the uncrowned King of Comedy! Your remarks at the microphone show you still have the golden touch when it comes to the funny bone. It wasn’t until I saw your film, Down Among The X Men , that it occurred to me how much the word ‘guerilla’ sounds like ‘gorilla’. Your comedy enlightens, as well as amuses.
    I think it’s a crying shame that you are not a permanent fixture nowadays in the light entertainment schedules, although of course in regard to this, it is vitally important that we keep the feelings of both the Irish and Pakistani communities in mind.
    At an awards ceremony, you called me a ‘grovelling little bastard’. I must confess, when I first got word of this, the blood drained to my boots and I practically swallowed my Adam’s apple. Rather stunned I was. Slowly, however, and with careful explanation from a trusted member of staff, I came to realise the remark was meant in a spirit of amusement and I have now