The Prom Goer's Interstellar Excursion by Chris McCoy Page B

the promise that we would help you in this heroic quest? That I would interrupt our tour for a lovesick member of a doomed race who happened to stumble onto my bus because he was too dumb to locate a cheeseburger on his own, and chose to beg for scraps like an underfed animal?”
    â€œI’m not sure if insults are called for,” I said. “I’d think you could maybe try to be sympathetic to my position here.”
    â€œAfter the Dondoozle Festival we will either reevaluate your situation or safely return you to your planet, but until then you will mind yourself and you will stay out of my way and you will not ask me to help you again, do you understand that? Now go. ”
    Skark slammed the bathroom door in my face.
    â€œDon’t worry about him,” grumbled Driver, looking back at me over his shoulder. “These days he’s always irritable before shows, because the crowds aren’t as big as they used to be.”
    â€œConsidering there are trillions of planets in the universe, being the billionth biggest band still seems like it could be lucrative,” I said.
    â€œWe’re one billion sixteenth,” said Driver. “But people only want the top bands, so I guess we’re lucky to still be playing at all. I don’t know. Sometimes I think I should have stuck with fashion.”
    â€œYou were a fashion designer?”
    â€œAspiring designer,” said Driver. “When I was younger, it was always difficult to find clothes that fit, so I started making my own.”
    I glanced at Driver’s stained shirt and stonewashed jeans. He caught me looking.
    â€œI’ve put those dreams on hold,” he said. “I don’t know. Maybe someday I’ll make an outfit I’m proud of, and the creative spark will return. I’m in a little bit of a personal and professional lull at the moment.”
    â€œIs Driver your real name?”
    â€œOf course not. But everybody has a tough time remembering Queckburt Hodabink, so I make it easy for them.”
    â€œThat is tough.”
    â€œIn my language, it means ‘energy-efficient heater,’ ” sighed Driver. “I’m not sure if my parents ever loved me. But enough about the past. Come look at this—it might take your mind off your girl for a moment.”
    I joined Driver at the wheel, and what I saw seemed impossible. In front of the bus was a stadium hollowed out of an entire planet , and it was on fire. There were thousands of seats. As we got closer, I saw a scoreboard the size of a continent blaring a message:
    BERDAN MAJOR ARENA WELCOMES THE PERFECTLY REASONABLE
    â€œI’ve never seen anything like it,” I said.
    â€œIt’s not even one of the good stadiums,” said Driver. “This is the musical boondocks, whether or not Skark wants to admit it. To be honest, we didn’t sell enough tickets to even justify being here.”
    â€œThere are better places than this?”
    â€œWait until you see the Dondoozle Festival,” said Driver. “I swear, it’s like heaven without the halos.”
    Driver thought about this.
    â€œActually, that’s not true,” he said. “Last time I was there, I saw a creature who was a halo. Just this golden disk, floating through the air, minding its business. I followed it for hours,trying to find a way to put it on my head, thinking it would give me some divine powers or something. I was pretty blasted at the time.”
    â€œDid you get it?”
    â€œNo, it ended up biting me,” said Driver. “Wouldn’t have even thought it had jaws.”
    Driver looked at a C-shaped scar on his arm. He rubbed it with his thick fingers, recalling the pain.
    â€œI realize that’s not a great representation of the festival,” he said. “Trust me, Dondoozle is better than I’m making it sound.”
    â€œAll I care about is getting to Sophie.”
    â€œPatience,” said Driver.