The Reluctant Jesus: A Satirical Dark Comedy by Duncan Whitehead Page B

describing the most significant event of the last two thousand years. I wasn’t sure if he got it.
    “You know what I mean; we ran out of time: double-booked, diaries crossed, missed communication, mistaken timings. The truth is I had this great couple from Wisconsin lined up. Great couple, absolutely fantastic couple, they were ideal, would have been wonderful. Christians, one hundred percent devout, total believers, honest, hard workers, full of faith. They were perfect, absolutely perfect.” God sounded teary-eyed as he reminisced about the couple from Wisconsin. I took a good look at Walter, who remained sitting on his haunches. I checked, but I could see no tears coming from Walters oval-shaped peepers.
    “What happened to them?” I asked, somewhat intrigued as to why such perfect candidates didn’t get the job and why my parents appeared to be the on-field substitutes.
    “What happened? What happened?” replied God, sounding perplexed. “Clerical and administrative error, that’s what happened. You’ve guessed it. Lost memo. Some idiot messed up the paperwork. Once again, it boils down to bad and shoddy admin,” God tutted. I wasn’t surprised; it seemed there was a big problem involving paperwork wherever God was based, which I presumed was Heaven, but I was learning that assumption, when dealing with God, was not a wise pastime. God continued: “Anyway, I missed it; I know for definite that Saint Peter missed it, and obviously Gabriel and the other on-watch angels missed it.”
    “Missed what?” I asked.
    “Missed the fact that she wasn’t actually a virgin,” replied God “Textbook error, really. Bad research and bad background work. It transpired that Dave—Dave was the husband,” God clarified for my behalf, “well, Dave had indeed already consummated the relationship, and it seemed that Samantha, the wife, failed to mention this. I don’t blame her; they were delighted to get the job. Gabriel initially did the background check, and it was some of his team who I put on ‘sex watch.’”
    “Sex watch?” I asked.
    “Sex watch is where I have angels on a twenty-four-hour watch ensuring that virginity stays intact. It seems there was a novice angel on watch who missed the ‘dirty deed.’ I had been grooming this couple for years. It was a disaster, I assure you. Gabriel took full responsibility and did offer his resignation. Of course, I did not accept, but it left me with a major problem. I needed to find a virgin couple quickly. So I got my best man on to the job of finding one.”
    Believe it or not, I was still listening.
    “Your best man?” I asked, intrigued as to who that would be.
    “Ah yes, at first he was a bit reluctant. He felt I was going about it the wrong way, and he did voice his concerns. You see, he wanted to come back. He felt, as he had done such an excellent job the first time, he should be the one down there. He pointed out that a lot of people ‘down there’ believed he would be the one returning and not some newcomer. I was surprised that he agreed to get involved, but I think when he saw what a mess we were in, he decided to help. It was Jesus, your sort of half-brother, who found Irma and Ely.”
    “Jesus?”
    “Yes, Jesus. I know I was surprised he even agreed to help, but he came through in the end. He spent hours researching Ely and Irma and then a couple of months on ‘sex watch.’ We really needed to avoid a ‘Code Dave,’ what we had named a virginity snatch, and if I couldn’t rely and trust my own son, who could I trust?” asked God. The question was rhetorical, and in any case, I had no answer.
    “But they’re Jewish. They don’t even believe in the whole ‘Christ the Son of God’ story,” I pointed out.
    “That is a good point,” said God. “But so were Mary and Joseph, the original virgin couple. Both were Jews, good Jews, so it didn’t seem to me that it would be a problem. Turns out, it really wasn’t.”
    I nodded my head,