The Society Of Dirty Hearts by Ben Cheetham Page A

before opening the door and smiling at his mum. “I just dropped something, that’s all.” He studied his mum’s face. The lines were perhaps a fraction more deeply etched, the shadows perhaps a shade darker than when he’d first arrived home. “Listen, Mum, I realise I’ve been behaving in a pretty shitty way the last few days, but I want you to know, well, I…the thing is…” He faltered. He’d meant to lie to her, tell her there was no need to worry about him, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. The lie was too big for utterance, even if it was to protect her. She waited for him to go on, but he didn’t. He couldn’t lie, and neither could he tell the truth. All he could do was hide behind silence, staring awkwardly at the floor.
    To Julian’s relief, the sound of the front door opening and then approaching footsteps attracted his mum’s attention. His relief dissolved into a fresh wave of apprehension as his dad burst out angrily from the living-room. “Julian, if you’re in, I want to talk to you.” Robert emerged into view flushed and frowning. “You’re a bloody liar. I phoned the university today, spoke to your personal tutor. There’s no study-break. You haven’t attended class for nearly a fortnight. You’ve been playing us for mugs.”
    Julian glanced at his mum, then quickly back to his dad. Anger he could deal with, but not the disappointment he saw in her eyes. “What do you think you’re doing, checking up on me?”
    “I’ve got every right to check up on you, Julian. It’s my money that pays for your studies.”
    “I never asked for your money.”
    “Only because you’ve never had to. You’ve never really had to ask for anything your whole life.” Robert nodded with a sardonic twist of his mouth, as if he’d hit upon some minor revelation. “Maybe that’s the problem here. Maybe if we hadn’t just given you everything you wanted, you wouldn’t think this kind of brattish behaviour was acceptable.”
    “Yeah, and maybe if you showed some trust in me, I wouldn’t feel the need to behave this way.”
    “Don’t try to turn this back on me. I’m not the one in the wrong here.”
    Julian raised his eyebrows. “Oh no, you’ve never lied to anyone about anything, have you?”
    “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Robert demanded to know, his anger flashing higher.
    “You know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the-”
    “Don’t change the subject, Julian,” Christine interjected. “Why did you lie to us? Why are you here and not at university?”
    Julian hesitated to look at her. He knew his defensive indignation would crumble under her calm, forceful, yet gentle gaze. She repeated his name. He looked at her, eyes pleading understanding. “Because, well, because I don’t know if I want to be at university anymore.”
    “I knew it, I bloody knew it,” exclaimed Robert. “Julian, there’s absolutely no way you’re dropping out of university. Do you hear? No sodding way.”
    Streaks of red blotched Julian’s face and neck. “And here was me thinking it was my choice.”
    “Not if you don’t have the maturity to make the right choice for your own good.”
    “Who says it’s not the right choice?” retorted Julian, his face growing more alike to his dad’s the angrier he got.
    “I bloody do.”
    “You never even went to fucking university.”
    “Calm down, both of you,” put in Christine. She looked searchingly at her son. “What’s brought this about, Julian? You seemed happy enough at university last week. What’s changed since then?”
    Julian thought about Joanne Butcher, about her short, brutal life. “Nothing…except…” he began hesitantly, struggling to put his feelings into words.
    “Except what?”
    “Well, I guess I was happy enough just drifting along until now. It kind of didn’t matter that I wasn’t enjoying the course, as long as I could go out and have a laugh with my mates and stuff. But this thing