The Tao of Stress: How to Calm, Balance, and Simplify Your Life by Robert G. Santee Page A

they talk back. Overhearing their discussion, Mildred, a middle-aged woman who didn’t have children, walked over and told them
    they were both wrong. She went on to tell them the “correct” way
    to discipline children in this situation. Both Sam and Penny
    disagreed with her and told her so. Irritated, Mildred pushed the
    issue by telling them they weren’t listening to her.
    Penny asked Mildred, “Since you don’t have children, how
    could you possibly know the correct way to stop them from talking
    back?”
    This further irritated Mildred, who responded by saying, “You
    don’t have to have children to know how to raise them properly.”
    Sam was visibly angry and asked her to leave. This infuriated
    Mildred, and she continued to insist that they were wrong and she
    was right. Penny, who was extremely exasperated by this point,
    walked over to Mildred and told her to leave. Mildred, who was
    starting to shake, clinched her teeth, turned around, and stomped
    back to her desk.
    For the rest of the workday and on her way home, Mildred
    ruminated about her encounter with Sam and Penny. By the time
    she got home that night, she was a physical and emotional wreck.
    She was breathing rather fast and had a headache and an upset
    stomach. Her neck, shoulders, and back hurt, and she felt tense all over, anxious, and drained. She was clearly quite stressed.
    Around 9 p.m., Mildred’s phone rang. It was her big sister
    Penelope. She heard the tension in Mildred’s voice and asked her
    what was wrong. Mildred, who had always confided in and looked
    up to Penelope, explained what happened.
    Penelope recommended that Mildred take some deep breaths
    and let out a big sigh each time she exhaled. After a few breaths, Mildred was feeling a little better and more relaxed. Sensing this, Penelope asked Mildred if she would like some advice. Mildred
    said she would, as this wasn’t the first time this type of thing had happened when she was trying to help people.
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    Penelope said, “The fact that you recognize that there’s a
    problem and want to make some changes so you won’t feel so awful
    in the future is a fantastic insight.” Hearing this made Mildred feel good.
    Penelope then said, “It’s a good quality that you want to help
    people solve their problems. However, it’s always best to first ask them if they’d like to hear your opinion. If not, don’t offer
    anything. And when you begin by using potentially threatening
    language, it can quickly create a problem. For example, even
    though I’m sure you didn’t mean to be hurtful, when you began by
    telling your coworkers that they were wrong, they probably felt hurt and threatened. This probably made them tense— not a good
    situation if you want people to be open to your advice. In these
    kinds of situations, you might want to start by saying something
    more like ‘Have you considered…’ or ‘How about…’”
    Penelope then went on to say, “When people don’t want to
    hear your solutions or disagree with them, it’s best to back off.
    Don’t get contentious, and know when to stop. If you continue to
    push it, then it’s likely to turn into a situation like what you
    experienced with Sam and Penny: a stressful argument. At this
    point, you’re working against your original intention: trying to help the other person. Instead, you’re trying to demonstrate you’re right and the other person is wrong, and by forcing the issue, you’re
    trying to control their behavior. As a result, you may say things
    that are hurtful to others. Plus, the argument ends up hurting you, as you get really stressed. Does that make sense?”
    Mildred sighed. Seeing the situation in this way, as Penelope
    described it, was painful She felt ashamed, but she also recognized the truth in what Penelope was saying. After a pause, she said,
    “Yes, it does make sense. I don’t feel great about it, but thanks to your insights and support, I