The Temptation of Lila and Ethan by Jessica Sorensen

just moving together in herds. All I could think about was the loss of the peace and quiet I’d gained over the summer and all the other stuff I’d rather be doing.
    I’ve always loved the quiet, although I’ve never really gotten much of it. When I was growing up, I had my brothers always pounding on me. Then they moved out and I was left with my dad constantly yelling at my mom and sometimes he would even hit her. I tried to interfere and ended up taking a few blows myself, which was fine except both my dad
and
my mom ended up mad at me. My mom told me that I didn’t needto interfere with things that weren’t my business. I was, like, thirteen and it totally confused me. When I asked her why, she simply said, “Because I love your father more than anything and he’s just going through a rough time in his life.” Just like he was when I was in second grade and he was addicted to pain pills. Sometimes I worry I’m going to turn out like him, that eventually I will end up with someone and this ugly, abusive person will manifest itself inside me.
    Eventually my dad stopped hitting my mom—although to this day he walks all over her—but I still saw enough of the ugly, and how easily it was forgotten, that I really question why relationships are so important. Even with London, I didn’t see the importance of us declaring that we were together. We never said “I love you,” even though I think we both felt it. Sometimes I think I still do… maybe… I think so anyway. Shit, I have no idea.
    “I really need to get out of here.” I push off my bed, grab my phone and keys, and head out the door. I think about going to a club, but I hate the noise. I consider a bar, which is lower key, but honestly I just want to walk, move forward, stop sitting still.
    I take a cab to the strip, order a drink from this building that’s a smaller replica of the Eiffel Tower, and then walk up the crowded sidewalk, shoving my way through the crowd, wishing I was some place else instead. It’s as loud as being in a club, but I’m outdoors so it’s easier to breathe through it. I wander around sipping my drink, watching the neon lightsblink. For a while I consider calling Lila and asking her to come meet me, but I’m afraid what will happen if she did. I feel bad for blowing her off, but I’m in one of my need-to-get-laid moods, which is the best way to turn off my thoughts, and with Lila around, I might end up breaking the rules I set with her. Then what? We’d fuck and things would get awkward and all those fun, light talks that we have, and the rescue missions, would get awkward and probably vanish.
    Everyone’s all wound up on the sidewalks and in the clubs, talking, chatting, smiling, groping the shit out of each other. While I’m throwing my empty cup away, I spot a few girls in ridiculously short dresses. One’s eyeballing me and I think:
Now there’s the distraction I’ve been looking for.
I shove any emotions out of me before approaching them. Micha used to do this shit with me all the time, which made it easier.
    I pick the brunette in a red leather dress for no other reason than she seems more interested in me than the other two. I flirt and I smile at her and we walk up and down the strip together. She keeps running her fingers up and down my chest and batting her eyelashes.
    “We should go back to your place,” she finally shouts over the noise as we reach the heart of the casinos.
    I nod, but make sure to play by the rules: always let them know where I stand. “We can do that, but just so you know, I just want to fuck. I’m not looking for a relationship.” I’m blunt, but I have to be. The last thing I want is to be misleading and either hurt someone or have them cling on to me.
    She grins up at me as she traces my bottom lip with her pinkie nail. “That’s all I want, too.”
    About an hour later I’m screwing her in my apartment and there is no meaning behind it. She’s using me and I’m using her.