The Thong Also Rises by Jennifer L. Leo Page A

often forged among strangers when traveling far from home.The next week we saw another film, this time in German with Italian subtitles. Once again the story line seemed to be just the sheerest of veneers to host an all-out porn fest. It was rather surprising that all the films were distinctly adult in nature. I asked my host family about all the peculiar foreign films I had seen. They exchanged worried looks and explained delicately that the particular theater I’d been to was not exactly mainstream, but the “art house” for experimental films. I told Grace and Aphid I got the impression from my host family that we had been frequenting the local porn theater. Grace and Aphid were unfazed. Nothing rattled them. Aphid said it was all part of being Australian, that as a rule they tend to stay calm and not stress on the little things. I called their philosophy and attitude towards life—avoiding a frightening behavior—coined from apoorly translated fire emergency poster I saw in the cafeteria that read:
    IN EVENT OF FIRE—GENTLY YOU HAVE TO AVOID TO ASSUME A FRIGHTENING BEHAVIOR.
    I believe it meant “Relax, Stay Calm, and Don’t Panic.” Grace and Aphid always exuded an easy, relaxed air that I admired. But heck, they were on an extended vacation, with nothing really to worry about. Or so I thought.
    Two days later things changed. At 3 A.M. I got a frantic call on my cell phone from Aussie Grace.
    â€œPlease come right away, it’s an emergency,” she said. “I’ll explain when you get here.”
    Grace opened the door looking quite distressed and weary. Aphid was sitting hunched in the corner with a dish-towel in his lap.
    â€œWhat is it? What’s wrong?” I asked.
    â€œIt’s Arthur it’s…oh, how to say this…it’s the prasta,” said Grace.
    â€œThe what?”
    â€œThe prasta.”
    â€œThe pasta? He ate something bad?
    â€œNo, not the pasta, the prostata.”
    â€œAre you speaking English?”
    â€œYes, yes!” said Grace.
    â€œOh good God Grace,” said Aphid. “Just tell her.”
    â€œTell me what?”
    â€œIt’s me little Joe…it’s stuck,”Aphid said.
    â€œYour what? What the hell are you talking about?”
    â€œGrace, give her the box,” said Aphid.
    Grace sheepishly handed me a carton.
    â€œIt’s viagra,” Aphid said. “I took it several hours ago and…well…it went up but now it won’t go down.”
    I burst out laughing and Grace started laughing, too. Aphid just moaned.
    â€œOh my God, I’m sorry,” I said. “But what the hell do you want me to do? You Aussies are a kinky bunch. I’m not that kind of girl you know!”
    â€œOh please, be serious!” said Aphid. “We need you to read the box for us or help us call a doctor. We can’t possibly explain this in Italian.”
    â€œO.K., O.K., let me see the package. Where did you get this stuff anyway and what were you thinking?”
    â€œIt’s not that I need it,” said Aphid. “We thought it would be fun to try—you can get it in the pharmacies here.”
    â€œYeah right, I guess those foreign films put some ideas into your head.”
    Grace started laughing again.
    â€œMarcy pleaseeee…” begged Aphid.
    â€œYou know I have to say that I’m really disappointed with you, this is so irresponsible, experimenting with drugs…and on a school night!”
    â€œPlease Marcy, read the package…”
    â€œO.K….uh huh…uh huh…hmmmm interesting. All right then, lets try this—Aphid, stand up and put your hands over your head and stretch your fingers out as wide as you can.”
    â€œWill this help? Does it say to do that? What will this do?”
    â€œNothing, but you’re always complaining that this flat needs a proper hat and coat rack—well, now you’ve got one.”
    Grace