The Vampire Club by Scott Nicholson, J.R. Rain

see, and I tried the knob.
    Locked, of course. Crap! Crap! Crap!
    I checked the goons, but they were sawing logs. I pulled hard at the handle, pushed, pounded, then kicked. My amazing strength that had vanquished two six-foot-four goons had apparently failed me.
    “ The card,” the professor said.
    I glanced at the card table. One of them might have been cheating, because the hand had five aces.
    “ No, the credit card,” Professor L said.
    I flipped through my wallet and found the credit card he’d given me. What was it about them anyway? Was there some charm in them that commanded the locks to open? I seriously doubted it, but stuck my card in the space between the frame and door anyway. It hit something, I maneuvered the card a little here and there. And now that something was moving. I held my breath, this thing really worked! I slipped it higher....
     
     
     
    Chapter Eighteen
     
     
    “ What are you doing?” boomed a voice at our backs. I turned to find one of the big Mayan goddesses standing with her arms folded, looking like she’d been carved from volcanic rock.
    “ Uh—I was just looking for a bathroom,” I managed.
    “ Both of you?”
    The professor and I exchanged glances, wondering how to play it. “We came around the corner and found these two gentlemen passed out and thought we might put wet compresses to their heads, to bring them around,” the professor said.
    “ Leave these idiots to me,” she said.
    “ Yes, sir,” I said. “I mean, ma’am.”
    She shook her head and I swear I heard her mutter: “Piece of shit vampire-lover.”
    “ We’ll leave the first aid to you,” I said. “Let us know if you need any second aid.”
    One of the goons groaned, and I didn’t want to be there when they came around and remembered the professor was the last person they’d seen.
    As we strolled upstairs, I realized I was still holding my wallet. Flipping through it, I also realized I had left the professor’s credit card in the door.
    “ Uh, professor?” I said.
    “ Don’t tell me.”
    I went down again and found the woman stationed strategically in front of the cellar and next to the front door. The two goons were back at the card table, rubbing their skulls and cheating. There was only one thing to do, I realized.
    I turned the corner, screaming like a maniac. “Aaaagh! The cat. I found the cat!”
    I did a little dance in front of the cellar door, turned my back, and snagged the card.
    The female guard’s eyes narrowed. “Where?”
    “ Upstairs! Its breath is awful. Like sardines and vinegar.”
    “ I hate that cat.”
    The two goons affirmed their own disdain for the feline kind. I was hoping they’d be as cat-crazy as the “cousins” we’d encountered the night before, but no such luck.
    “ Okay, but if I get scratched, it’s going on your insurance,” I said as I pocketed the card.
    I stopped by the kitchen for lunch and dinner. Janice was there, having some tea with Dial. She was giggling, and he was telling her a story about the Toen family and the time Granddaddy Grandmaster met Stephen King at a convenience store.
    The story was clearly a bunch of crap, but she ate it up.
    Just like I ate more eggs.
    Only she seemed to be having way more fun than me.
     
    * * *
     
    Night came, and I had come up short in my effort to save our friends from their own folly. As Buddy pounded on my door shouting: “We’re going, you’re welcome to come,” the professor and I knew we were down to only one option.
    “ Let’s go,” he said.
    And I nodded like an idiot.
     
     
     
    Chapter Nineteen
     
     
    Gloom and despair!
    Disaster and ruin!
    The agony of it all!
    “ You with us on this or what, Andy?” Juan said. “You look like you crapped your pants and are now sitting in the cooling feces.”
    “ You are an orator of the flesh, if not a vampire of the heart,” said I to my Spanish friend. Juan bowed at the compliment. “Of course I’m with you, but I don’t have to like