The White Vixen by David Tindell Page A

instance, or earlier, when we were shopping.”
    They arrived at the gateway and she led them to some empty seats. “And how am I now?”
    He looked away from her, gathering his thoughts, then back at her. “There’s something about you,” he said, looking at her intensely. “I’ve never been around a woman like you. And damn few men, for that matter. The Americans call it charisma. Yet you don’t flaunt it, like so many do.”
    She sighed. She felt flattered, yet at the same time embarrassed, just a bit. “The Japanese call it shibumi ,” she said after a moment. “You could translate it to mean a sort of restrained elegance.”
    “And I presume this is from your martial arts training?”
    She nodded. “It’s the martial way, the way of the warrior,” she said. “Most study the martial arts to learn how to fight, or to show off. It’s much more than that. It’s a way of life.”
    She looked back at him, and his eyes were still intense. He was trying desperately to understand her, she knew, because he car ed for her so much. And how did she feel about him? She’d been in love before, and over the past couple days she’d felt the stirring deep inside her heart that heralded its coming, but she’d pushed it back with a determination that surprised her. She would not allow it back, because if it came, the inevitable pain would follow. The voice came again from within: Remember Jimmy? Remember Franklin? It will happen again!
    But now Jo Ann felt the warmth stirring around inside her again. She reached over and touched Ian’s hand. “My art of tae kwon do has five basic tenets,” she said. “Courtesy, integrity, perseverance, self-control, and indomitable spirit. The tenets provide me with guidelines, with means of focusing my ki, and things like shibumi sort of naturally follow.”
    “They’re quite effective, believe me,” he said. He leaned over and kissed her. For a moment, their lips parted and his tongue sought hers, and she responded. Then she pulled away. “Something wrong?”
    Eyes moist, she turned away. “I’m sorry, Ian,” she said. “I’m just…just not sure w here we are going.” Or where she wanted it to go. Did she want to go there again? Take the risk?
    His hand gripped hers. “Neither am I, but I’d certainly like to see it go somewhere. Wouldn’t you?”
    She blinked away a tear, surprising herself. “I don’t know,” she said. Why did she put herself in this position? Things had been going so well; she had her work, and her training, and her studies, and someday she would achieve her ultimate goal, a steady posting so she could get a house of her own, some cozy little rural place, with a couple of cats, and a garden. She could see the living room right now, could see Ian sitting in it, snuggling with her as they watched TV, or read together, or just talking, their lives joined….
    No. She reached deep down inside, summoning her strength, and pushed the emotions away. Her discipline had kept her going, gotten her through Stanford and the Academy, through the endless hours of training, through the peril of her missions, all the way up through Fonglan Island. Discipline had kept her alive, yes—but life was more than just staying alive, wasn’t it?
    Discipline had also gotten her past Jimmy, and then Franklin. But they weren’t over, not really; the memories were still in there, the joy and the love, then the searing pain of betrayal. She dealt with them only by ignoring them. But any time a new man came along, the memories started rustling back in their dark corner, trying to get out. She had to keep the new man from getting too close, or they’d come out and hurt her again.
    She looked back at Ian. He could understand discipline, certainly. He was a warrior, too, although a Westerner, and thus different. He saved her life…and then fell in love with her. Could he ever understand why she couldn’t, wouldn’t allow herself to love him?
    Reaching up, she touched his