Days Like This by Danielle Ellison

an
idiot. I didn’t know what to say.
    I looked up at
him from the kitchen. Music and lyrics rushed through my head, and I wrote them
down as quickly as I could in my notebook.
    It’s crazy the way you go to my head //
after all this time of words unsaid // I want to tell you the reason why // I
had to leave, I had to lie // I hope we can repair the part // of me that
exists in your heart // because I still can’t figure out // how to move on from
all this doubt // not of you but of me // and the reason we can never be
    If only it was
that easy. How could I tell him any of this without it making me selfish? Yes,
I still loved him, but he had definitely
made changes in his life. It made me wonder if I had been holding him back
somehow. Was he happy now? Happier than he was with me? All I did was bring
drama into his life with my problems. He had to be better now without my
burdens. I didn’t even deserve to be his friend. Could I be his friend after
everything?
    “I’m going to go now,” Graham said from
across the room. I looked at him from my notebook, and watched as he closed up
his toolbox. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”
    Just say it, Cassie.
    Just say something. Apologize. Do
something. Make it count.
    “Thanks,” I said. Graham nodded and then
he left. So much for making it count.
    If I wanted to
be in his life, I had to start somewhere else. I read over the lyrics I’d
written, I knew it had to be at the beginning. That was all I had wanted—to
make it right—and even though being around made me want something more, I
wouldn’t be able to have that.
     

17.
Graham
    THE NEXT MORNING, Bobby met
me outside by my truck. I didn’t really like Bobby, but he was the only one who
would work for free since he owed me a favor after ditching three projects.
Honestly, I was surprised he showed up at all.
    “What are we
doing?” he asked.
    “Fixing a
wall. Easy repair. A day, maybe two.”
    He nodded and
spit some of his chewing tobacco on the ground. He walked with me to Cass’s
house. Joyce let us in, all smiles and nods when I introduced Bobby. Cass
wasn’t as enthusiastic. Bobby had been a year ahead of me in school, and two
ahead of her, and when he saw Cass, he acted like he was her best friend.
    “Cassie Harlen!”
Bobby said, wrapping his arms around her. She squirmed, and tried to pull away,
but he didn’t take the hint.
    “Bobby
Littrell,” she said weakly. He held on, and with every second, I felt myself
getting annoyed. I shouldn’t have felt like that, but I did.
    He finally let
go of her.
    Cass plastered
on a smile, but I knew it was fake. Through her teeth she said, “Graham didn’t
mention you were coming.”
    “Two person
job,” I said. She sent me her annoyed look. At least she hadn’t changed so much
that I couldn’t read her facial expressions. “We’ll be in and out,” I said.
    Bobby laughed.
“That’s what she said.”
    Cass forced a
bigger smile, and turned on her heel away from us. I wanted to get this job
done and get out of here. Bobby was merely here to run interference. I knew if
he was here, Cass wouldn’t come near me. I wanted her near me, so the barrier
was needed.
    “Are you still
seeing her?” Bobby asked.
    “What?”
    “You know, is she
available for…” He made a circle with one hand, and pushed the other finger
through it. I wanted to punch him. He stared at me. Was he seriously waiting for an answer?
    “She’s not
available,” I snapped.
    “Oh, so you
two are…?” he asked. I stared at him. “What happened to your other one?”
    “I’m not.”
    “So she is?”
    “No,” I
snapped. Bobby looked like he was going to say something else so I said, “She’s
not into guys anymore.”
    Bobby smiled.
“Hot.”
    I really
wanted to punch him.

 18.
Graham
    I RE-ROUTED MY morning run to
go away from the Harlen house. Avoidance seemed the best way to go, and almost
a month in I still didn’t know what to say to Cass, or what not to say, or why
I even