Days Like This by Danielle Ellison Page B

have to in order to
know every curve of it. It was in my memory, burned there like his touch and
his lips and his laugh. Graham Tucker was part of me, a large part, and that
would never change.
    I told him two
days ago that I wanted to be friends, and I did. I could accept that we were
different, that I couldn’t be with him, and I would be okay. But never speaking
to him again wasn’t something I couldn’t give up. The thought of it knotted up my
stomach. I wanted to be able to be only his friend, at least partly, but Graham
still had so much of me. I hoped I could move on as much as I wanted to, as
much as he had.
    Mom was
pointing out a few spaces around the house when I cleared my throat.
    “Everything
okay?” I asked.
    Mom waved me
off. “Graham is going to fix the AC. I didn’t want to wake you.”
    Graham looked
me up and down. I was still in my pajamas—a pair of short shorts and a
spaghetti-strap tank top. Graham’s eyes explored every inch of me, and his gaze
on me gave me goosebumps. A slight flush filled his cheeks, and I thought of
before. How before there would be no lingering looks, but him pulling me into
his arms and giving in to any impulse. How his lips would trace paths on my
neck, and his fingers would trail over my skin.
    I met Graham’s
gaze, and saw the familiar look of desire there. I wasn’t the only one
remembering. If he was remembering, did that mean he wanted us again? I shook
my head. Stop thinking
about that. You’re friends now.
    He cleared his
throat. “I’ll get started.”
    Then he was
out the front door. I gave Mom a disapproving look. “What are you doing?”
    Mom shrugged,
and slid her shoes on. “He’s good at fixing things. He did it all the time
while you were gone.”
    “I’m not gone
now.”
    “Do you know how
to fix the air conditioner?” she asked.
    I shook my
head. Mom looked at me for a second, appraising and satisfied with herself. Then,
she poured me a glass of sweet tea. “Are you coming with me today? Dr. Lambert
really wants to do the family session.”
    Family
session. Dr. Lambert thought it would be good for both of us to speak with her.
It would help me get some answers and closure; it would help Mom understand
what her episodes did to me and why it was important for her to stay on her
meds. The whole thing seemed like a bad idea, which was why I’d been avoiding
it for three weeks now. I didn’t want to talk about the past, about the
mistakes. I wanted to move forward.
    “Can we do it
later?” I asked.
    Mom sighed.
“What are you going to do here all day? Stalk Graham?”
    “I don’t
stalk,” I said, grabbing my tea and sitting at the bar.
    She huffed and
kissed my head. “You should talk to him.”
    “I did. We
agreed to be friends a few days ago. He even answered one of my texts.” Even
the word was strange. Graham and I were friends. Not best friends. Not enemies
or exes. Friends.
    “Friends?” Mom
asked.
    I nodded. Mom
didn’t say anything else, but I could tell she had other thoughts. Luckily, I
didn’t have to ask what they were because the car honked, and she left to go to
therapy.
    I watched
Graham from the window. This was not stalking. He met my gaze, and I didn’t
move. We stared at each other through the glass, and my mind drifted from Mom’s
words to the memory of his touch and my heart raced. I touched a finger to my
lips, and Graham broke his stance outside with a weak wave. I waved back before
bolting upstairs.
    I can be
your friend // I can lend a hand/ I can smile // nod and tell you my plans // I
can listen, pretend // call you my friend // but in my heart // you’ll be more
// what you were before // with your lips // and your hands // and the way we
began // all fire and spark // and every inch of my heart // it’s what I want
you to be again // and none of that is like a friend

18.
Graham
    I THREW A hammer at the air conditioning
system. Piece of shit thing. I didn’t know what was wrong with it.