Unidentified Funny Objects 2 by Robert Silverberg, Jim C. Hines, Jody Lynn Nye, Mike Resnick, Ken Liu, Tim Pratt, Esther Frisner Page B

Holmes’s house. “Is it,” I asked, “the squirrels?”
    “No, no,” the mayor said, annoyed. “They’re a minor inconvenience. Hardly worth the money.”
    I had no idea what was going on with the squirrels, and must admit to a feeling of relief. I had no desire to chase rodents through the trees, supernatural or not. “What seems to be the problem, Mr. Mayor?”
    He looked at his feet and flushed. “It’s the leader of our neighboring town. Her name is Katie Lou Riley. Every week Ms. Riley calls and leaves disturbing messages on my voice mail… truly disturbing messages. She threatens that she will come and take over our fair town’s government. I was hoping you could persuade her to stick to her own town.”
    I cocked my head and looked at him carefully. “That’s all? You’re not holding anything back?”
    The Mayor coughed delicately into his hand. “Well. She does have certain… powers.”
    “Like?”
    “Oh, I don’t know. Mind control. Things like that.”
    I shrugged. As a vampire I could hypnotize people, control animals, turn into a wolf or a bat, and live forever, so long as I didn’t get a wooden piercing, eat garlic, or wear cross jewelry. Some mayor with mind control powers shouldn’t be too much to worry about. “I’ll take care of it,” I said.
    Richard floated through the table. “I’ll come with you. To watch your back.”
    I narrowed my eyes. “Watch my back?”
    “In case there’s a chance to slip a knife into it.”
    I couldn’t stop him, so he floated alongside me as I drove the cargo van to the next town. As we crossed the town limits, I felt a deep shiver go down my spine. I pulled the van to a stop outside of city hall, but it was nearly ten at night. All the offices were closed.
    I rolled down the window. A rousing chorus of song came from a nearby church, and lights blared from the windows. Richard and I exchanged glances and we made our way toward the church.
    “Something’s wrong,” I said, as we got closer. A band of people burst from the church, beating spoons against pans and shouting like maniacs.
    Richard grinned, showing his ghostly teeth. “They’re going to kill you, I just know it.”
    I snatched a townie out of the dancing, shouting mob and yanked him toward me. “I’m looking for Katie Lou,” I said. His eyes lit up and he cheered.
    “He’s one of us, boys,” he shouted, and the crowd let out a huzzah.
    I scratched my cheek. That was puzzling. “Where is she?”
    “She’s sleeping. She’s a… what’s the word?”
    Another person in the crowd shouted, “Narcoleptic!”
    A third person said, “Well, not exactly. She just sleeps a lot.”
    I drew myself to my full height, puffed out my chest and bared my canine teeth. “Then let us wake her!”
    The crowd, strangely, did not appear terrified. Instead, they let out a terrific cheer, and swept me toward the church. I fought against the dark tide of the crowd, because a vampire cannot enter consecrated ground. I would catch on fire and burn to death, a rather unpleasant way to go. Richard knew this, and it was with obvious pleasure that he began to shout, “Yes, yes, everyone into the church.”
    I struggled against them, but there were too many, and in my panic I couldn’t turn into a bat before they washed me over the threshold. I screamed. But I did not catch fire. I looked down at my cold, pale hands.
    Richard squealed and flew around my head shouting, “Call the fire department!” until he realized I was unharmed. He settled glumly beside me. “Never mind.”
    I sighed. “I expect you to be pleased by my death, Richard, but gloating is beneath you.”
    He rolled his eyes. “You never really knew me, did you?”
    The church looked much like any other church. A small stage near the front with a podium and the black maw of a baptismal font behind it. A neat row of pews lined up like ribs. One thing seemed to be missing. No crosses anywhere. Not over the door posts, not on the stage,