Unidentified Funny Objects 2 by Robert Silverberg, Jim C. Hines, Jody Lynn Nye, Mike Resnick, Ken Liu, Tim Pratt, Esther Frisner

sun.”
    “Suicide?”
    “No.” For once, the tumor was mercifully silent. “Just a hero and his arch-nemesis tumbling over the waterfall.”

    Story Notes:
    Jim would like to thank author Jay Lake for his help and encouragement on this story, as well as for his honesty and openness in sharing the ugly details about living—and dying—with cancer. Well fought, sir.

HOW TO FEED YOUR PYROKINETIC TODDLER
    by Fran Wilde

    Department of New Health Services, Parenting Manual #415
    With the recent epidemic of pyrokinesis-novus affecting children worldwide, parents who are eager to move from the newborn-feeding stage should consider the following guidelines and questions, developed to help promote healthier eating, better feeding socialization (in light of the current food-lobbing craze), and more confident, calmer parenting.

    Suggested Equipment:
Oven mitts.
Metal spoon and bowl (no plastic!).
Flame-retardant diapers, bib, and seat.
Dining space free of loose fabric, curtains, and lint.
Welder's mask (optional).
    Signs a child is ready for solid foods: Pincer-grasps objects, makes chewing motions, and remote-singes milk or formula. Caution: You may be ready for your child to begin eating solid food long before they are. Do not rush this stage.

    What should I feed my toddler? Healthy eating must begin while children have limited ignition capacity and their aim remains unfocused. Children should be able to self-feed and make good choices before full pyrokinetic abilities develop. Suggested beginner foods include mashed items that taste better when warm or toasted: pumpkin, corn, peas, and potatoes.
    For older toddlers, consider reward systems that keep tempers from flaring. Vitamin-added mini-marshmallows and tater tots are a fun treat for the whole family.

    Creating a calm dining environment: The process of establishing toddler likes and dislikes is admittedly riskier than in past generations. A safe environment is paramount: remove all fabric from the dining space before seating your toddler in their fireproof high chair. Remember to keep your voice level or upbeat at all times. A patient parent can slowly introduce new foods and guide a toddler's curiosity without undue scorching.

    Suggested feeding methods: (1) Scoop and run: Spoon a small portion of food onto the metal utensil and place it on your toddler's lips. Step back quickly. Repeat as necessary. (2) Distraction (requires two adults): Have one parent make funny sounds from afar to distract the toddler's aim. Proceed with scoop and run. (3) For picky eaters: Brightly colored, FDA-approved, non-flammable extend-a-spoons are available from Disher-Brice and Fabbo.

    Dining out with toddlers: Today's family restaurants are either completely fireproof or equipped with the latest family-friendly extinguishers. These venues will now only accommodate groups of six and fewer. Do not allow children to run among the tables or chase the wait staff, and be sure to leave a large gratuity. Do not expect to be welcome at any, now rare, historic restaurants, heavily-tapestried venues, or cafés featuring wooden decks. Avoid gasoline-powered food trucks at all costs.

    In an emergency: This manual can be used to extinguish small fires.

    Success gallery: (photo) Betsy Van Morris of Glen Cove, NY, feeding Sue-Ellen, age two, while wearing the experimental scorch-guard parent-cover, in clown print.

    **Remember, you are your child's best advocate and resource. Teach them responsible eating, before it's too late.**

    Parents of younger children and tweens: Please see manuals #4332 and #7554.

    Parents of teenagers: Please phone the Department of New Health Services with your success stories as soon as possible. Our thoughts are with you.

A STIFF BARGAIN
    By Matt Mikalatos

    I woke to the sound of my own name, though it was not yet time to rise. I reached for the comforting feel of my coffin lid and discovered to my dismay that I was lying on a feather mattress, covered by a quilt