Vampires Need Not...Apply? by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

the tablet?”
    Sí. That is exactly right.
How did he know? “I thought I’d dreamt the entire thing. The scuba diving, finding the tablet inside a cenote, the Jeep starting on its own. But when I woke up in my bed back in New York, I knew. It had been fate.”
    Kinich chuckled. “Not Fate. Cimil. Fate doesn’t usually get her hands dirty with overly complicated jungle-based plots. This has Cimil written all over it.”
    “How do you know all this?”
    “I suppose”—Kinich paused—“there’s no harm in telling you. I’m going to have to wipe your memory before you leave anyway.”
    “Excuse me?”
    “I am a god,” the man said casually. “Well, I was a god.”
    Yes. Of course you are…
The man was clearly insane. Actually, this entire conversation had taken a trip to Salvador Dalí Land.
Care for a fucking melted pocket watch anyone?
    Antonio stood. It was time to get the hell out of there.
    “Where are you going?” Kinich asked.
    “My assistant is coming to help me translate notes. She’s probably waiting outside right now,” Antonio lied.
    “Bullshit. She comes in the morning, and it’s eight o’clock at night,” Kinich said. “Tell me what Cimil said and then you may leave.”
    Once again, Antonio felt an odd sensation pressing against his mind, pushing him to talk. “The redhead said that I was to study the tablet, decipher it, and unlock its secrets. If I did so, my destiny would be fulfilled.” He left out the part about finding his true love and happiness. Men simply didn’t say that sort of crap to other men.
    “I see.” Antonio heard the man scratch his chin. From the sound of it, he hadn’t shaved in weeks.
    “Then I believe this is what you must do—unlock the tablet’s secrets. Quickly.”
    “How do you propose I accomplish this?” Antonio asked. “My most important tool happens to be out of commission, and it’s impossible to teach someone else to translate what they see in a meaningful way for me.”
    “You still have your brain; you’ll figure it out. And if you do not, you will die.”
    Santa Maria!
He turned to leave, only to find two cold hands pushing him back into his seat.
    “Relax. I told you that I am not going to kill you, it is forbidden to kill mortals who are not evil—kill them on purpose, anyway. But my brother and a very good friend are trapped inside another dimension. If they are not released, the Maaskab are prophesied to make the planet their personal playground of death and destruction.”
    Maaskab? What the hell is that? And his brother is trapped? End of the world?
“You are mad.”
    “I speak the truth,” Kinich said with a low hypnotic voice.
    “
Sí.
And my
huevos
are magical coconuts.”
    “Your eggs?” the man questioned.
    “Balls. My balls!”
    “And you say I am insane? At least I do not believe my testicles are magical,” Kinich said.
    What the…?
“I’ve answered your questions. I’m leaving now.” He stood and beelined for the door, instantly slamming into a table. His body toppled over and his face smashed into a pile of whatever had been on top, including something made of glass. Something sharp.
    “Puta madre!”
Blood gushed from his cheek as his body tumbled.
    A feral growl seeped into his ears. “You broke the vial. It smells so… so…”
    Antonio felt the cool tickle of air move across his face as two sharp knives sank into his throat.

Chapter Diez
    Two blocks from Helena’s building, Ixtab sighed with relief. She’d staggered into the alley and had found a worthy country-club member. He’d been passed out behind a Dumpster with one eye cracked open. That was enough for her to see his soul.
Ah. Black aura. Bingo!
    A few seconds longer and Ixtab would have been down for the count. But why had she filled up without touching anyone? And that damned taste in her mouth wouldn’t go away.
    As she strolled down the sidewalk bustling with people heading out for their evening fun, her cell vibrated and then played