Virtue & Vanity by Astrid Jane Ray

late for me to get to the toilet and I vomited all over the bathroom floor. Empty and broken beyond repair, I leaned on the tub wall and just sat there while the time stood still. All my internal clocks had stopped ticking. The only emotion I had left was shame. All I wanted was to clean myself up and never have his hands touch me again. I shuddered at the thought of him hurting me another time and shook my head with my hands on my ears to make the images disappear from my mind. Frantically, I turned on the faucet and somehow managed to get into the tub. I closed my tired eyes and let my thoughts sink into the pool of warm water. Immediate temporary release drifted over my body and mind. Sadly, it was short-lived. Violent shivers took hold of me again and I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing. What a pathetic apparition I must have been.
    When the water covered my body, I turned off the faucet and realized that Sebastian was right there, leaning against the bathroom door and staring at me intently. His eyes darted towards the vomit on the floor and then he looked back at me with an unfathomable look on his face. Traitorous tears ran down my cheeks yet again and restless waves—caused by my uncontrollable shaking—started forming in the water. Terrified that he would punish me because I had vomited all over the floor, I curled into a ball and rested my head on my knees. I had no intention to move from that position. He exhaled deeply and I heard him approach me. The loud pounding of my heart punctuated each step he made as I repeated the mantra in my head.  Please no. Please no. He knelt next to the bathtub, and having him only inches away from me made the already overwhelming panic even more unbearable. His breath sent shivers down my spine as it lingered on my skin. My own breathing became rapid and I panted nervously; I had no idea what he intended to do to me. As his hand cupped my face, I jerked under his touch and my muscles convulsed when he lifted up my chin and made me look at him. Too ashamed to return his gaze, I tried to look away, but his grip tightened and he succeeded at fixating my eyes on his.
    “D-don’t. P-Please don’t. I-I’m sorry,” I shouted in desperation, choking on my tears and begging him not to do whatever he was intent on doing.
    “I won’t,” he said in a cold voice.
    “I’m s-sorry,” I kept stuttering.
    “Stop apologizing.” His ruthless voice warned me that it would be in my best interest to shut up.
    Moments of deadly silence passed by with neither of us doing or saying anything. With an empty mind, I just stared at the restless water, silently humming a lullaby my father used to sing to us when we were children. My mind tried to escape into a happy place—back when I was ignorant of all the wickedness that ruled the world. Back to the time before my father became a nasty alcoholic, when I was protected and innocent. I tried to think about anything else but Sebastian’s threatening closeness. At that moment, I would have rather been in the ninth circle of hell than trapped in that bathroom with him. I would have rather been tortured by the devil than by Sebastian’s cruel gaze.
    “Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?” His unexpected question broke the silence.
    I shivered and swallowed hard with the emergence of a fresh memory. It didn’t make any sense. Why would I tell him something he already knew? He couldn’t have possibly been that ignorant. I wanted to say something but the words were stuck in my throat.
    “Are you sick?” he asserted after I didn’t answer his first question.
    Anger surged through his face and I could tell he was annoyed by my unremitting silence.
    “Answer me, Isabelle. Don’t make me force it out of you.”
    Excruciating dread emerged within me at the sound of the threat uttered by his upset voice.
    “N-No, please. I... I thought you knew.” I trailed off.
    “And what made you think that? It wasn’t exactly written on your