Wholehearted by Cate Ashwood

Which I now feel really bad about,” Declan yelled. His tone completely opposing the words spewing out of his mouth.
    “I don’t know what I want,” Lucas said softly.
    “Well, then we are at an impasse. I can’t give you what you want unless you tell me what that is.”
    “I just want to feel normal.”
    “Okay….” At least it was a starting point. Declan could work with that. “I get that. Why don’t you feel normal?”
    “I’m just so tired. ”
    “You aren’t sleeping?”
    “I think I am, but I wake up exhausted. I feel like I’ve been up all night, and I can’t seem to get enough rest. I’m halfway hallucinating when I’m awake, and I just don’t know how to go back to how I was before….”
    “Hallucinating? Are you still taking the meds?”
    “No, that’s what I thought too, the first morning, so I stopped taking them.”
    “How’s your pain?”
    “Bearable, but it would be a lot better if I could get some rest.”
    “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
    “I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole.”
    “You want some tea and leftover pizza for dinner?” Declan decided coffee probably wasn’t the best idea.
    “That sounds good, actually.”
    “Okay, stay here. I’ll put the kettle on.”
    “Thanks,” Lucas said, seeming to be more relaxed.
    Declan filled the kettle with water before retrieving two large mugs from the cupboard. He put two slices of pizza each on a plate, saving the meat pizza for Lucas. That was the kind he had seemed to like the night before, and Declan wasn’t picky about food. He put Lucas’s in the microwave first and pushed the pizza button before going to the cupboard to grab the box of tea bags. Soon, their impromptu dinner was ready.
    Declan balanced both plates on top of the mugs and brought everything back to the couch. He set the plate down in front of Lucas before settling in next to him. Lucas dug into his pizza, letting out a little moan of approval at the day-old dinner. It really was better the second day, Declan decided.
    Lucas ate quickly, devouring both pieces before Declan had finished one of his.
    “More?” he asked.
    “No, I’m good. Thanks, though,” Lucas replied.
    They drank their tea in comfortable silence, the awkwardness and discomfort melted away by the outburst Declan had allowed himself to have. The air was clear, and they were able to just be for a little while.
    Declan put his feet up on the coffee table, stretching his legs out, and let his head fall back against the sofa. He was sated and content. Falling asleep wouldn’t be a problem for him. He was almost ready to sleep right then. He glanced at the clock. It was after nine. The day had taken its toll on both of them.
    “We should probably get to bed. You definitely need your sleep, and I should be up early.”
    “Do you have to go in to work?”
    “No, but I’m on call. So I should at least be conscious in case I’m needed.”
    “Oh, right.”
    Lucas rose from the couch and walked down the hall. Declan followed close behind him.
    “Good night, Lucas,” he said when they reached his bedroom door.
    Lucas turned and looked at him, a strange expression on his face. Declan didn’t have time to decipher it before he felt Lucas’s lips pressed softly against his.

Chapter 9

     
    D ECLAN WAS so stunned he couldn’t move; he just froze there in the hallway, not quite understanding if what was happening to him was real. He had replayed a scenario much like this one over and over in his head, but he never thought in a thousand years it would actually happen.
    Lucas pulled back, the hurt from Declan’s lack of response etched onto his face. Declan’s heart fell.
    “Oh my God,” Lucas said, the hurt quickly turning to panic. “Fuck. I didn’t….”
    “No Lucas, I wasn’t… it’s not….” Declan didn’t know what to say to stop the man from freaking out. Lucas quickly turned and fled into his room, closing his door firmly behind him. Declan was left in the hallway,