Why Me? by Neil Forsyth Page B

milkman in a shallow grave on the edge of the New Forest. I remember Nicholas lightening the mood while we struggled to lift the milkman’s body by joking that the milkman was “full fat”. I always appreciated Nicholas for making that joke at what was a difficult time for me, and I would like to thank him again in print. Thank you, Nicholas, and, as the saying goes, I still owe you a pint! And not of milk!’)

10
Sad Times Publishing 2
    From: Owen Bell
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Help me
    Hello my Dearest,
    Due to my critical condition right now i will not hesitate to make known to you all about me so please do not deter as i am going to expose a lot about myself and background here to you. I am residing in Beylane camp as a refugee and as a refugee here i don’t have any right or privileged to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.
    My name is Mr Owen Bell, am 24 years old. I am from Liberia in West Africa. Am the only child of my parents and am studying law in the university before my parents past away. And my hope and aim to becoming a successful lawyer, but now my parents are no more. they were killed by civil war going on in my country.
    My late father Dr Patrick Bell, before his death deals and owned a company in Monrovia Liberia,
    Please listen to this and try to keep it to your self only. When my father was alive, he deposited some money in a bank and he used my name as next of kin. Now due to my refugee status and the law guiding this camp, i cannot make claims by myself, i need a partner preferably a foreigner who will stand on my behalf to the bank
    I am helpless without you, i am having no account, no raw money at hand for it is my wish to further life abroad. Send to me Your Full names, address , occupation and telephone number:
    Mr Owen Bell
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Owen Bell
    Subject: Quick one
    Owen,
    Ever thought of writing a book?
    Your Servant,
    Bob Servant
    Managing Editor
    Sad Times Publishing
    ----------------
    From: Owen Bell
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: What do you mean?
    What is this about a book I am telling you about my troubles here in the camp so you must pay attention and read again the email. I need you to stand for me to the bank
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Owen Bell
    Subject: Here’s the gist of it
    Owen,
    Apologies, let me tell you a little more. I am the managing editor of an English publisher called Sad Times Publishing. We print, as you’ll have guessed, sad stories and in recent years we’ve had some of the biggest selling sad stories in England including
    My Head Is A Whirpool And I Can’t Swim – The Troubled Mind of Vernon Kay
    Sticks and Stones Broke My Bones – The Rise and Fall of Wolf from Gladiators
    Dumped! How I Pulled Myself Together and Learnt To Love Again by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne
    I think your story could fit very comfortably indeed into our catalogue. We pay generously for the right stories and I think you’re sitting on a cracker (not in a saucy way).
    Are you in?
    Bob Servant
    Managing Editor
    Sad Times Publishing
    ----------------
    From: Owen Bell
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: My price
    Dear Bob
    OK I understand. Well my story would sell millions of books all through the world and there could be a movie and TV for sure so for you it is chance to be rich. my story would be worth $1m and this is true Bob if you work it out so this my start price and now we talk.
    Owen
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Owen Bell
    Subject: Absolute belter
    Owen
    Thanks for your email. I’ve not laughed that much since the first Gulf War. 28 A million dollars eh? Let me tell you something pal. A couple of years back it was in the papers that Dawn French got a million quid for her autobiography. And that’s Frenchy we’re talking about, Owen, Frenchy. Now, Owen, you’re going to have to help me here. How in God’s name can you say