Why Me? by Neil Forsyth

Story of Jimmy Krankie
    Please Dad, Not the Face! – The Awful Life of Andrew Marr
    and
    I Just Need(ed) a Friend – How the pop band Texas escaped a life of poverty and pick pocketing to top the music charts.
    Mary, I think your story would fit very comfortably indeed into our wee collection. Are you on board? Will you ‘lift the biro’ for Sad Times Publishing?
    Yours,
    Bob Servant
    Managing Editor
    Sad Times Publishing
    ----------------
    From: Mary Riley
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Payment
    Bob,
    Yes I can tell you my terrible story that will be like this others that you have. Please Bob I will tell you my story and now can maybe an advance payment to be helpful my dear? I took it upon myself as a challenge to God that i must fulfill a charity deed in life. There are more you don’t know about me and If you agree with me to have my full story you will have to do what i have requested. What is the pay? It will boost my charity giving.
    Whenever I think about my life I cry and I cry now just thinking about what I have been through.
    Mary
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Mary Riley
    Subject: Dry those old eyes
    Mary,
    Stop crying for God’s sake, you’ll get me started and when I cry I don’t mess about. In 1982 I cried for four days after watching ET. For the first two days I was crying because I thought it was a documentary and for the next two days I was crying because someone told me that it wasn’t.
    Mary, I’m interested in your story and don’t you worry about the money side of things. If you want to get rich then write yourself a book that does ‘not bad’ in Scotland and from then on everything you touch turns to gravy. Men want to be you and women want to sue you. I’ve done a few books myself and I attach a photo of my house.
    For now can you just give me the best stuff from your story. What’s the very worst thing that’s happened to you?
    All the best,
    Bob Servant
    Managing Editor
    Sad Times Publishing
    26
    ----------------
    From: Mary Riley
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: This for now
    Dear beloved Bob
    i am so happy that you want to use my story to write a book that will touch peoples lives. Well I will give you just some for now but you must know because of the money $8m (million) that I have I have been in danger for some time. In fact several attempts to assassinate me have been made but all their plans keeps failing them. I cannot believe really I would have not been dead by now.
    You see Bob this is a story you will not believe and it will be a success for you. Now let us talk of a payment and we can enter the next level of my story. If this is your house like you say a first payment wil be easy for you
    Mary Riley
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Mary Riley
    Subject: I like it Mary, I like it a lot
    Mary,
    This is all great stuff. People love a good assassination story. Just look at JFK or when Sir Trevor McDonald shot his postman. 27 Can you give me a bit more of what we call ‘colour’ on the assassination attempt? I presume he had a gun?
    Also for the title of your book I’ve had a wee think and I’m considering the options below.
    Every Cloud Has a Lining of More Cloud – My Hell by Mary Riley
    Don’t Shoot! – The Mary Riley Story
    Jesus Christ, He’s Got A Gun! – The Life and Times of Mary Riley
    I’ll have a go at the ‘blurb’ for the cover now as well,
    Cheers,
    Bob
    ----------------
    From: Mary Riley
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Information for you
    Well Bob I was shot at by a bandit who wanted my money and the bullet hit in the shoulder and I was in hospital for months before well enough to continue with the charity. After the attack i resolved with the plan of my late husbands attorney to wear a bullet proof vest always.
    It is OK whatever you want to call the book and I believe this is enough and will give you more stories when i get to hear your offer. I must go now