Wonderland by Rob Browatzke

was just empty now. “Bye, Alex.”
    â€œI love you,” I said again, to the closing window.
    I walked home, thinking about how good it felt to touch him, to kiss him, to be naked with him. That hadn’t even been the best part, though. He’d made me feel not so alone. Just knowing that there was at least one other person in the world who felt the same way I did, it made a difference. We just needed to finish high school, and get on with the next part of our lives.
    I tossed around in my bed. I couldn’t get comfortable. Why was I thinking about that? It was so long ago. It didn’t matter anymore. I flipped onto my side and buried my face in the pillow, but I could still see it.
    Her name was Mrs. Whiting, and she was our homeroom teacher, and she came in that morning, and her face was gray, and I knew something bad had happened even before she said it. I didn’t even hear the words, it was all slow motion. The girl in front of me started to cry. I needed to talk to Dinah. I got up, barely conscious that I was moving.
    â€œAlex, take your seat, please,” Mrs. Whiting called after me.
    â€œHe’s sad about his boyfriend,” Nathan said as I passed by him. My grief was replaced by rage, and I spun around. The next thing I knew, Nathan was underneath me and my fists were pummeling him. People grabbed my arms, dragged me off him. I melted into a pool of tears. I couldn’t believe Taylor was gone.
    I flipped onto my other side. I saw me and Dinah, all in black. We were all in black, the whole class, and Nathan’s eyes were both black as he glared at me from the other side of the room. I didn’t look at the coffin. I didn’t look at the flowers. I didn’t want to think about the boy in that coffin, the boy who had turned a gun on himself, the boy I loved. I stared at a spot on the floor, and I didn’t cry. Dinah held my hand, and her head was on my shoulder and I could smell her shampoo.

    My alarm clock went off. I turned my phone back on and called in to work. I was in no shape to go in, and it didn’t seem like it was going to change. I took the rest of the week off. I had plenty of holidays coming up. Steven and I had been talking about New Year’s on the Mayan Riviera. Now, that seemed unlikely.
    I got up, hopped in the shower. The steam reminded me of White Night, made me think of Aaron. After Taylor, I never said “I love you” to another guy until Aaron. And there’d been quite a few guys. College had really been such a blur of bars and booze and boys and blow, weekdays busy in class, weekends busy in bed. I had gotten around. Maybe my apartment door was right. Maybe I was just a faggot whore.
    I texted Dinah, and made plans to meet her for lunch. I texted the twins, and we made plans to meet up for wings that evening. And then I sat there, wondering what to do. I angrily flipped through channels. I cranked Lady Gaga and screamed along with “Speechless.” I paced. Finally, I decided enough was enough, and I had to get out.
    I made a point of not looking at the graffiti on my door, but I couldn’t resist spitting on the Walrus’s door.
    Outside, it was a beautiful fall morning, and as soon as the sun hit my face, I felt better. I even smiled. With my earbuds in, pumping my brain full of happy music, I headed down to the river valley. I wanted to go to “our spot.”
    Our first night together, after dancing away the night, we had only cuddled. As horny as we’d both clearly been for each other, the dancing, the drinking, on top of a long workday for both of us, had just tired us out. I fell asleep in his arms.
    I woke up before Steven in the morning, and I propped myself up on one arm and lay there watching him sleep, his mouth partly open. I leaned down, and kissed his forehead. He opened his eyes. They were so green, so bright and wonderfully green. “Brunch?” he said.
    He took me to the Duchess, and