Writing Movies For Fun And Profit! by Thomas Lennon, Robert B Garant

secret stuff, find and return art: lots of danger, big bucks, and lots of travel to exotic locales. And Benny has proven himself a perfect partner.
    They head off into the sunrise as she briefs him on their next mission, which involves a reclusive billionaire who lives in the Sandwich Islands … yes, he’s finally gonna get to see Mount Pleasant Airport!!! And: CUE THE RANDY NEWMAN SONG!!!

12
DIRECTORS
     
    Meet the person who’s going to make and/or ruin your movie!
    “Director,” as any union member of a film crew will tell you (while sucking down some craft-service cantaloupe), “is the only entry-level position left in the movie business.” Meaning: to get any other job on a crew, you have put in a ton of union hours. You can’t START as the property master or sound mixer. Or even as the assistant director. You have to work your way up. The only job you can get on a movie set with no experience whatsoever is: director. Everything else requires union training.
    So is it like joining the army and being made a four-star general on the same day? Yes, it is. And it happens all the time. Sometimes the director on the film is the LEAST experienced person on the set. It’s not uncommon for a young COMMERCIAL DIRECTOR, MUSIC VIDEO DIRECTOR, or HILARIOUS INTERNET SHORT FILM DIRECTOR to get called up to “the show” and get to direct a feature film with no training or preparation. In this scenario, a person is going from the MOST FUN JOB IN THE WORLD to the HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD, with no transition. In scuba diving, this event is called “the bends,” and it can kill your brain. Just like directing movies can.
    NOTE: AT THIS POINT, IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT BECOMING A FILM DIRECTOR, PUT THIS STUPID BOOK DOWN AND GO DIRECT A MOVIE, FOR CHRISSAKE. OR A SHORT FOR FUNNYORDIE.COM. STOP READING THIS NONSENSE AND GO DO IT. GOOD DIRECTORS MAKE ATON OF MONEY. SO MUCH MONEY THAT IT MAKES EVEN THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SCREENWRITER IN HOLLYWOOD LOOK LIKE SOME HORRIBLE … POOR PERSON. Icky little screenwriters, driving around in their Lexi and Mercedeses—poor things.
    (Note to editor: Is Lexi the plural of Lexus? Please let us know for the subsequent printings of this book and subsequent Lexus purchases.)
    The (screenwriter) authors of this book * once parked one of their shitty cars next to (director) Michael Bay’s GLASS-BACK FERRARI. Yes, the back cover is made of glass, so that you can look in and see the exquisite hand-crafting of the engine—which is in the back, for some reason. If you put glass over the engine in some screenwriter’s car, all you’d see is an old pair of tighty-whitey underwear that’s being used to hold the radiator cap in place.
    Good directors are getting 10 million dollars a picture.
    Plus profit participation.
     
    The old joke where people say: “… but what I really want to do is direct,” is said so often BECAUSE IT’S 100 PERCENT TRUE.
    EVERYBODY REALLY DOES WANT TO DIRECT .
    Because they don’t know what’s in store for them.
     
    A regular person, who wasn’t crazy, you’d have to pay them a million dollars to get them to direct a movie. Somebody who really knows what directing a movie means you have to pay them $10 million.
    Being the director of a studio film, while it sounds like a lot of fun, in reality is a job you might not wish upon your worst enemy. At least:
if you’re doing it right, it’s not that fun.
    Directing a studio film is like being the captain of an aircraft carrierthat’s pulling out to sea and ALREADY HAS SOME LEAKS IN THE HULL. And there’s a fire belowdecks. And a crazy person (movie star) is your COPILOT. And your admiral is a female lead who’s NUTS and wants to know her motivation for EVERYTHING, and you can’t film her butt, ever. Or the left side of her face. And the script sucks (because it’s been rewritten twenty-five times by different writers).
Wait, what? ALL OF THIS, Already? We should turn back to port! STOP THIS AIRCRAFT CARRIER!!! I WANT