“it took something human out of me. i used to be so deeply emotional i’d crumble on demand. but now the water has made its exit. of course i care about the ones around me. i’m just struggling to show it. a wall is getting in the way. i used to dream of being so strong nothing could shake me. now. i am. so strong. that nothing shakes me. and all i dream is to soften. - numbness yesterday when i woke up the sun fell to the ground and rolled away flowers beheaded themselves all that’s left alive here is me and i barely feel like living - depression is a shadow living inside me why are you so unkind to me my body cries cause you don’t look like them i tell her you are waiting for someone who is not coming back meaning you are living your life hoping that someone will realize they can’t live theirs without you - realizations don’t work like that a lot of times we are angry at other people for not doing what we should have done for ourselves - responsibility why did you leave a door ...hanging open between my legs were you lazy did you forget or did you purposely leave me unfinished - conversations with god they did not tell me it would hurt like this no one warned me about the heartbreak we experience with friends where are the albums i thought there were no songs sung for it i could not find the ballads or read the books dedicated to writing the grief we fall into when friends leave it is the type of heartache that does not hit you like a tsunami it is a slow cancer the kind that does not show up for months has no visible signs is an ache here a headache there but manageable cancer or tsunami it all ends the same a friend or a lover a loss is a loss is a loss - the underrated heartache i hear a thousand kind words about me and it makes no difference yet i hear one insult and all confidence shatters - focusing on the negative home it began as a typical thursday from what i recall sunlight kissed my eyelids good morning i remember it exactly climbing out of bed making coffee to the sound of children playing outside putting music on loading the dishwasher i remember placing flowers in a vase in the middle of the kitchen table only when my apartment was spotless did i step into the bathtub wash yesterday out of my hair i decorated myself like the walls of my home were decorated with frames bookshelves photos i hung a necklace around my neck hooked earrings in applied lipstick like paint swept my hair back—just your typical thursday we ended up at a get-together with friends at the end you asked if i needed a ride home and i said yes cause our dads worked at the same company and you’d been to my place for dinner many times but i should have known when you began to confuse kind conversation with flirtation when you told me to let my hair down when instead of driving me home toward the bright intersection of lights and life—you took a left to the road that led nowhere i asked where we were going you asked if i was afraid my voice threw itself over the edge of my throat landed at the bottom of my belly and hid for months all the different parts in me turned the lights off shut the blinds locked the doors while i hid at the back of some upstairs closet of my mind as someone broke the windows—you kicked the front door in—you took everything and then someone took me —it was you.MoreLessShow More Show Less
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