A Leap of Faith by T. Gephart

you are having second thoughts?” I tried to keep my emotion in check but that look concerned me.
    “You think I’m going to leave you?” Alex pulled away suddenly, his hands gripping my arms tightly. “Lexi, NO. I have no second thoughts. My only thoughts of that time are what an ass I was for pushing you away. I will never leave you again. The only way we won’t be together is if you walk out on me.” His gaze intensified as he spoke almost as if he was trying to convince me telepathically as well as orally.
    “Then why the look?” I asked, not willing to let it go.
    “I want children Lexi. Not now, but someday I want a family. I want to be a father.”
    My blood froze, FUCK. Kids? Did I even want kids? I had been so convinced that I would never have children. It just wasn’t for me, I hadn’t even considered that it might be a possibility. My own childhood had been a freaking disaster, I did not want that for another human being. I did not want to repeat my Mother and Father’s mistakes. I had been so careful about never falling pregnant accidentally despite having an extremely active sex life. 
    “I... I... don’t know Alex. I don’t think... I would make a very good mother .” I stumbled through my words not knowing exactly what to say to him.
    Alex’s eyes widened in disbelief. “You would make an outstanding Mother. You are strong, dedicated and determined. You are smart and beautiful and have the most amazing heart. Look at the gift you gave Hannah and James. The inscription, how can you think you wouldn’t be a good mother?”
    “Because my family are fucking lunatics. It’s different for you. You grew up with a family who cared. To mine I was an inconvenience, an accident, a hindrance. I barely speak to them. They hate me and I’m not real fond of them either.” I felt the anger build inside of me. I couldn’t help it, thinking about those people brought out the worst in me.
    “Lexi, I’m sure your family don’t hate you. How could they hate you?” Alex asked unable to comprehend how it was possible that a Mother and Father could feel that way about their own flesh and blood.
    “They are Assholes, the lot of them Alex. Trust me, they are toxic and hateful.  Everything I am today is in spite of them. The best thing I ever did was leave home. At least now I can tolerate them in small doses, but that is it. There is no place for them in my life.”
    It felt good to finally tell Alex about my family, but I knew he wouldn’t understand. How could he? It was so far removed from what he had experienced, it was inconceivable that parents would reject a child.
    “So your fear is that you would repeat their behaviour? That somehow it’s a genetic trait?” Alex struggled to come to grips with what I had told him.
    I shrugged but I guess that was it, what if I was genetically predisposed for it? What if my maternal instinct didn’t kick in? You hear stories in the animal world where Mothers actually eat their young. My brother had two children and from all reports he was just as inattentive as my parents had been. What if I was hard-wired to hate him or her? How could I take a gamble like that and potentially fuck up lives? Alex would never forgive me, he would never get over the fact I was a terrible mother. He would be as perfect a father as his had been and as mine had not.
    “You are not your parents. Put all that aside, the fact that you think you defective DNA. Do you want a family?” Alex paused for my response.
    “The idea of it... yes. I love kids. Kate has four boys and I was there through most of their childhoods. I love the fact they are little people, with their own personalities, their own ideas.”
    I did love kids. I had been the cool baby sitter to Kate’s foursome a bunch of times. I let them stay up a little later and taught them to play poker instead of Monopoly. They loved me and I loved them. But having your own was another story.
    “Then it’s a possibility?”