Aelred's Sin by Lawrence Scott Page B

Father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession.’ Then he was silent. He didn’t know how to start. It was not like before, with a list of sins: pride, jealousy, losing his temper, impure thoughts. He wanted to talk about a condition.
    In the end it was Father Basil who spoke. ‘Is something worrying you, brother? Is there something you would like to talk out? Take your time. We can wait like this till you’re ready.’
    ‘I’m homesick, father.’
    ‘Well, that’s only natural. And that’s not a sin.’ Father Basil smiled.
    ‘But it’s something else.’
    ‘Yes.’ Aelred kept staring at a statue of a donkey on Father Basil’s desk. He remembered the sermon Father Basil had preached one Sunday of how the donkey that had carried the Virgin Mary and the child Jesus to Bethlehem and then on their flight to Egypt had experienced its sweetest burden. He then developed this long meditation on the donkey, a beast of burden, and of the burdens that we must be thankful that we have to carry. Father Basil had a simple childlike faith and devotion. The statue of the donkey was homely and comforting. ‘And what do you miss the most, brother?’
    ‘My friends.’
    ‘Any particular friend?’
    ‘Yes, in a way.’ Aelred did not want to talk about Ted. ‘Having friends.’
    ‘Yes, that’s a big thing to give up and you’re still very young. You’ve a lot of growing to do. You mustn’t beimpatient with yourself.’
    ‘But I’m not allowed to have a friend, am I?’
    ‘Do you think you know how to treat a friend? What care you must take? Why do you think you mustn’t have a friend?’
    ‘That’s what Father Justin says. That there’s a danger in particular friendships.’
    ‘There are dangers. That’s very true. That’s why I ask you whether you know how to take care and how to treat a friend in a true friendship.’
    ‘I want to be able to.’
    ‘Well, go ahead and try within our rules and with care. Think of the other. Maybe, and this is natural in one as young as yourself, you’re thinking too much of yourself and what you want. What does your friend want.? Think about that.’
     
    Aelred left Father Basil’s room feeling freer. He felt that Father Basil had mixed Father Justin’s way with another possibility. Once he was careful, he could try. Yes, there were the rules of silence. But there were moments when it might be appropriate to talk to Benedict. He seized his chance in the laundry one Monday morning.
    Working in the laundry room meant being confined all day in the hot steamy room with the tubs and washing machines, the electric driers, mangles and roller irons. Then the rules of silence were relaxed slightly. Brother Fergus, who was in charge, would give the signal and then they could have their break. When they had their coffee break it would be appropriate to exchange a few words.
    But Aelred could have bit his tongue to stop himself once he started speaking. Hardly were they out in thecourtyard, outside the laundry room, and he found himself, coincidentally alone with Benedict, when he blurted out, ‘You’ve hardly smiled at me. You look away now.’ This was not following Father Basil’s advice. He was thinking of himself. But it did not stop him. ‘I know the rules, but you don’t have to be so cold.’
    Benedict said nothing at first in reply to this unexpected outburst. ‘There are others here. Please take care. I think of you. I pray for you at the beginning of your novitiate. It wouldn’t be right to distract you. I don’t mean to be cold.’
    ‘Well, you are. You’ve already distracted me.’
    ‘What I did, brother, was as a caring guardian angel, within the custom and practice of our community. That relationship is over now. We must meet appropriately in community. Certainly not like this. Not speaking to me like this. You must examine yourself.’
    ‘And what about the other day on the staircase outside the library? You looked embarrassed last