And Then I Found You by Patti Callahan Henry

asked questions Katie
     could barely answer. “What does parenting look like to you?” “What does adoption look
     like to you?” “What is the life you envision for your child?”
    Confusion blurred her mind, and Katie finally said. “I want to keep this baby. I want
     to … keep it. That’s what my heart says.”
    Barbara smiled. “I know. I know what you want to do. Of course you want to keep this
     baby. I can tell how much you love her already. But are you prepared to parent this
     precious baby, to give this baby the life you so desperately want her to have? Sometimes,
     just sometimes, being a ‘good mother’ means choosing adoption.”
    For the first time since she’d entered the office, Katie’s tears stopped. She exhaled
     and saw as clearly as she did the moon on a cloudless night—there was a difference
     between keeping and parenting. What she wanted to keep was this part of Jack, to keep what remained of their love. But could she actually be a parent?
    “What are my choices?” Katie asked, dry-eyed, staunch, her voice not sounding like
     her own. “What happens if I choose adoption? What kinds of adoption are there?”
    She returned home that afternoon, and it was Katie’s mother who set her mind in direct
     opposition to adoption. “We can raise this baby, Katie. Your dad and I can do it.
     Please don’t give her away. It’s not nineteen sixty. We don’t have to hide.”
    The words— give her away —tore every last piece of fragile flash in Katie’s soul. “Mom, you know that can’t
     be—my child in your house thinking that I don’t want her. I could never do that. You
     have no idea what it does to a young girl if she thinks she’s not wanted. It is by
     far one of the most devastating beliefs in the world.” Katie fought for control.
    “Don’t use your wilderness-therapy psychology speech to explain what you want to do.”
    “What I want to do? For God’s sake, Mom. Jack is married. I’m twenty-two years old and hiding
     in my parents’ house. I’m pregnant and alone. At this moment, I’m not doing a damn
     thing I want to do. I can now only do what is best.…”
    “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry.…”
    “Mom, I’m begging you to stop and see what I see. To know what I know.… I’m not giving
     up, and I’m not giving her away. You can’t ever say that again. It’s a choice, mom.
     I’m choosing not to focus on everything in me that is screaming, ‘keep her,’ so that
     I can focus on what I want to give my child. I’m choosing. I’m offering. It’s a gift
     to another family, to my child.”
    “So you could give her to a stranger but not to us?”
    The conversations ended this way every time, and often in weakness Katie agreed to
     allow her parents to raise her child, her and Jack’s child, until her strength returned.
     Always underneath the tension and arguments and deathly silent days and nights while
     her child grew within her, Katie’s decision remained the same: she would offer her
     child the gift of a beautiful, hand-chosen family.
    Katie began to show, her belly forcing its way past the buttons and zippers of her
     clothing. She had to make a decision. At the very least, she had to buy herself some
     time. Kate knew that if she brought the knowledge of this child into her hometown,
     she’d need to bring the child itself. And she wasn’t prepared for the questions or
     the well-meaning advice that was bound to come her way. That’s why, when she asked
     her dad to rent a small cottage on the lake an hour away, Katie felt she was protecting
     her child and herself, not hiding her pregnancy. Norah and Katie’s family were the
     only visitors, and they often spent the night, watching movies and reading books.
    Katie walked through the paths and hiking trails around the small lake, and she continued
     to collect feathers. Wherever she went or walked or sat, there seemed to be a feather
     floating beneath her feet or at her side. She placed