Born Hard Again: Book Three of the Future Remembered Chronicles by Bo Unce

by the crotch of his suit.  There was a hole there where Limbozer had cut his own dick off.  Marcus somehow persuaded his dead body to take a piss on the snowball, and a greyish, bloody stream of fetid urine splashed over the icy mass.  Decaying chunks of kidney spattered the top.
    "Ay, Alphie!  Choc' chip cookie dough blizzard comin' atcha!"  He hurled the ice bomb out over the white behemoths.
    "Heads up!" I called out, and Alphonso turned just in time to catch the putrid frozen specialty right in his face, his mouth open mid-shriek.  He fell over and plowed up a heap of snow, skidding along the ground to come to a stop.  I held my breath in the sudden scream-free silence.
    The gigantic snow slugs bumped into each other, lost track of what they were doing, and then puttered along idly.  Alphonso cowered in a fetal position between the huge beasts and they narrowly missed him to either side.
    I hopped down the roof hatch and opened the forward door to bring Alphonso in as the sled slowly approached him, then shut the port to keep the wind out.  Alphonso was shaking and shivering violently from the cold but dragged himself along the floor with a determination I'd never before seen in him.
    "Hey, you need help there, champ?" I asked.
    "N-n-n-n-nnn-nn-n-" he stammered through chattering teeth.
    Finally Alphonso reached the taskboard and with a spasm of effort he moved the ALPHONSO GETS THE MONSTERS sticky note to the "done" column, then he collapsed.
    "Hot damn, that sucka-ass sucka actually finished a task!" Koochy observed as he came back in the crew compartment.  "Goan get it, homie."
    "Marcus, I think he's got hypothermia or something.  Look at him, he's turning blue!" I worried.  "We should get him out of those wet clothes maybe."
    "Oh yah?  So why don'tcha get butt nekkid and snuggle all close like?" Koochy mocked loudly.  "Dis ain't no voyage of the mimi shit!  Warmin' up with yo' dicks in yo' asses, haaah!"
    "Well, I wasn't suggesting I'd be the one to do that.  Maybe you would though...?" I probed.
    "Bitch my core body temp-er-a-ture be close to ab-so-loot zero," Marcus enunciated unnecessarily.  "Ab-so-loot, so I gotta come up on some loot!  Cain't be hangin' wit no zeros.  Fuck up some commas, kid!"
    My scientifically minded friend did have a point, at least at first.  Marcus' dead body heat wouldn't help Alphonso recover.
    I looked around the cabin for ideas.  How could I warm him up, without touching his pasty ass?  Aha!  I saw a pile of papers on the ground in the corner.  I picked up the discarded sticky notes.  "NEE? FIX" "KNEE. FXI?" "ARM. FIX!" the first few read.  Holy shit, did Alphonso really need to retitle his one fucking task this many times?  As if any triage team would prioritize his goddamn knee injury.
    I grabbed an armful of post-its, rushed back to Alphonso's shivering body and dumped them on top of him.
    "Koochy, do you have a lighter?" I asked.  "Gimme, since you don't need it for your brain-weed."
    "Yah, son!"
    Marcus passed me a diamond-encrusted disposable plastic lighter.  I flicked it and set Alphonso ablaze.  Flames immediately licked up to the ceiling of the cabin and thick smoke filled the chariot.
    "Oh shit!  It wasn't me!" I yelled reflexively.  I started kicking and stomping on Alphonso to put him out, grinding my dickfeet into his face.
    "Aaaaahhhmmmmpfff!" Alphonso yelled, muffled by dicks.
    "Shut up!  Can't you see I'm trying to save you!?" I shouted back.
    Marcus picked up a sheaf of flaming sticky notes and hurled them out of the roof hatch.  They fluttered down a ways in front of the enormous snow slugs.  I lost my balance as the sled started moving again.
    "Scrrrrrrr!" Koochy declared.  "Pedal down!  In my fuckin' 'rari, son!"
    "Good idea!" I said and threw some flaming tasks out as well.  The sled picked up speed in whatever direction we tossed the fiery backlog.  Soon the fire inside was reduced to just a few comforting warm embers, but