Boxer Beast by Marci Fawn

while, at least until he takes off for college in the fall. Maybe he will take me with him. I mean, I have my own plans for college, but… I’d probably change them to fit in with whatever he has in mind.
    I can only focus on River right now, and the happy feelings in my chest and… other places when I think of him.
    River isn’t that far away.
    I could go over there right now. Ask him about us.
    That seems so lame, though…
    “Ugh,” I groan out loud. It isn’t the good type of groan I learned to associate with River. I make myself think rationally.
    I’m so desperate to see him and talk to him again, but then again it has only been a night. I shouldn’t be thinking about this. I’m a good girl. I adjust my classes, wanting to break free of that mold but feeling so uncomfortable with something so… Dangerous.
    But River is dangerous. And he makes me feel safe. It was his birthday yesterday and I hope it was his best birthday, because it was the best day for me, too. But only “too” if he felt the same way.
    I have to go talk to him.
    I adjust my skirt, wearing another one of those numbers I probably outgrew a while back. Before, old me would have thrown this in the back of my closet in embarrassment at the realization. But… Now? I hope River notices where the fabric ends.
    It sure as heck isn’t at my knees.
    My skin is clammy. I have to leave right away, before I lose the courage to speak to River.
    My hands feel hot as I move the old door knocker, the kind you clang against the door from the outside.
    Their house is kind of old, too, I realize. Maybe, as much as River pretends his family is okay, they sometimes have troubles, too.
    I adjust and readjust my skirt as I wait for an answer, chewing on my bottom lip as the seconds go by. I slam the knocker against the strike plate again, and again.
    River seemed to like it when I was strong.
    And I’m not that weak.
    I can totally defend myself.
    Not that the door is attacking me… Just in general.
    “Please answer,” I groan, throwing the knocker down one final time.
    Looking through the window, I see his mother’s mouth move as she shouts for someone. Probably for someone to get the door, but no one comes. She sets a baby down on the couch – was it Jake? Josh? I can’t remember which one is which, and it makes my heart hurt. Only a year ago, I would’ve been able to differentiate River’s twin brothers from a mile away.
    His mother leaves the kid on the couch and moves towards the door.
    No, no, no. River needs to answer. River .
    His mom opens the door, her smile growing taut as she realizes it is me.
    Just me.
    She’s never been hostile towards me, but I can tell she sees me as a child. Not the girl for her son, if anything.
    His father prefers me. Hopefully.
    Is she going to tell me that River doesn’t want to see me anymore, that he–?
    “River isn’t home, sweetheart.” Her smile is more genuine now, her eyes tired as she picks up the toddler that has crawled to her. She bounces the boy on her hip.
    Oh.
    “Okay, can I wait for him? Or maybe come back later? He won’t be long, right?” The words are just pouring out of my mouth and I finally manage to shut myself up. I can’t help asking about him. I need to bring her into the conversation, someway, somehow… God, I am so awkward.
    “How are you, Mrs. Xavier? Are you okay?” From the way her eyes crinkle as if she is ten years older, I can tell she isn’t okay.
    “I’m alright,” she says, smiling again. “Just tired. Motherhood does that, you know.” She leans into me like she is telling me a secret. “Children aren’t for everyone, Faith.”
    I nod. I’m not really thinking of having any for a long time. Definitely not now.
    But she hasn’t answered my questions about River!
    I plead with my eyes as she talks, waiting for her to get to what I so desperately need to hear.
    Over Mrs. Xavier’s shoulder, I see her husband. He waves at me sadly, like he knows something I