Buddha Da by Anne Donovan Page A

rushin by. Ah kept walkin, doon Maryhill Road past the pubs, lookin that welcomin in the daurk night, the sound a folk laughin and talkin. But it was the drink that made me dae whit ah done last night. Ah’d destroyed the tape, made sure naebuddy would see it again, but ah couldnae erase it fae ma heid. It kept runnin and rerunnin itsel ower and ower again tae ah stopped, put ma haunds roond ma heid and pressed against it, tryin tae press it away. Ah was staundin, hauf leanin against a wall and a wee wifie came up tae me, put her haund on ma airm.
    ‘Are you OK, son?’
    ‘Aye, ah’m fine.’
    ‘You sure? You better away hame the noo.’
    ‘Aye, right, missus.’
    Hame. Ah couldnae go hame the noo. Couldnae face Liz, didnae know whit tae say tae her. She’d want tae talk aboot how ah’d reacted tae the video, mibbe she’d take John’s side. She didnae seem that bothered aboot it, that’s whit ah couldnae unnerstaund. As if it was sumpn ordinary. But, naw, ah couldnae face that the now. Ah kept walkin, heidin intae toon, and ah knew at the back of ma mind that ah’d end up at the Centre.
    Ah knew it wasnae open on Sunday nights but ah wanted tae see the Rinpoche, needed tae be wi him, somewhere quiet, somewhere away fae all this. Ah rung the buzzer and it was him answered.
    ‘Come on up, Jimmy.’
    As soon as ah got up the stair and inside the lobby ah felt a great weight drain away fae me. It was that quiet and peaceful. Ah untied ma laces and took aff ma shoes.
    ‘Ah’m sorry tae disturb you, Rinpoche, ah just couldnae think of anywhere else tae go.’
    ‘You are very welcome. Please come through. Would you like a cup of tea?’
    ‘Aye, that’d be brilliant.’
    Ah went intae the kitchen wi him and he started fillin the kettle, settin oot mugs. Ah sat on the chair just watchin him. He done everythin that carefully, placin the mugs on a tray, layin tea biscuits in a fan shape on a plate, as if he’d aw the time in the world. When the tea was made, he smiled at me.
    ‘I think we’ll go through to the other room where we can talk.’
    There was a room where folk could see the Rinpoche privately, just big enough for a coupla cushions and a coffee table. He put the tea-tray doon and sat cross-legged on the flair. He waved at the cushions.
    ‘Make yourself comfortable, Jimmy.’
    Ah hauf-sat, hauf-knelt, and lifted ma tea fae the tray. The Rinpoche sipped his and smiled at me. Noo ah was here ah didnae really know whit tae say. It seemed totally oot of place tae start tellin the Rinpoche aboot me gettin steamed and smashin the video, so ah sat for a minute, sippin ma tea and just bein there wi him.
    ‘So, Jimmy, you have something on your mind?’
    ‘Aye, don’t know where tae stert. It’s just, well, ah done sumpn really stupit, made a right fool of masel, and it’s no even that really – it’s just that everybuddy else thinks it’s no that bad and ah feel as if ah don’t unnerstaund them any mair.’
    ‘Your family?’
    ‘Aye, Liz and ma brother John maistly, but it’s everybuddy really. Ah mean, we had this big party last night and it was brilliant and ah was havin a great time and everybuddy was celebratin, and noo … ah’m just totally confused.’
    ‘Would it help to meditate with me, Jimmy?’
    ‘Ah don’t know, Rinpoche, ah feel as if ah’ve been kiddin masel on. Ah’ve been daein aw this meditation and tryin tae get clear and ah’m just nae further forward. See ah got pissed oot ma heid last night, know, drunk and ah just … well, how come ah can dae the meditation and then it has nae effect on the resty ma life? It seems tae be makin it worse, no better.’
    ‘How do you mean exactly?’
    ‘Well if ah hadnae been meditatin ah’d probly have got pissed and we’d all have had a good laugh aboot it the next day. But noo ah’ve had a big fight wi ma brother. Ah destroyed the tape of his party.’
    ‘Why did you do that?’
    ‘Ah didnae want embdy tae see it – didnae want