Buddha Da by Anne Donovan

it.’
    ‘D’you no remember any of this?’
    Ah shook ma heid.
    ‘Thank God the weans had went hame by then. Ah mean, video nasties is all very well, but Jimmy’s arse …’
    Anne Marie. Ah’d forgotten aboot Anne Marie. She hadnae seen me, but noo there was this video – how was ah gonnae make sure she didnae watch it? She’d remember there was a video – if ah said, ‘Naw, you cannae see it,’ she’d really think there was sumpn up. And it wasnae just the showin ma bum – she’d just think that was funny. It was everythin, the humiliation of it. Ah was pissed oot ma heid, crawlin around on a flair that drunk ah could hardly speak and it was all recorded on a video camera. That’s thething aboot gettin steamed – you don’t remember it and if you dae it’s through a fog so it doesnae seem that bad, and everybuddy else has had a few so it doesnae matter.
    But this. Twelve year auld and you see yer daddy lookin like a complete tosser. Ah couldnae bear it. And the resty them just seemed tae think it was a laugh. Even Liz.
    ‘Whit’s up Jimmy? You’re lookin very serious.’
    ‘He’s wishin the make-up artist had put on a bit mair powder, covered ower they plukes a bit.’
    ‘It’s no funny.’
    ‘Aw come on, son, a dab of thon Clearasil and they’ll be away like magic.’
    ‘It’s no funny.’
    ‘Have you lost yer sense a humour, man? You were pissed. We all were.’
    ‘It’s humiliatin.’
    ‘Aw, come on, we all make fools ae wersels when we’re pissed. Ah’ve seen you worse. Ah’ve seen masel worse.’
    ‘Aye, but it’s different, seein it on a screen.’
    ‘It’s just us that are watchin it, though, ah mean it’s no gettin broadcast on Sky, is it?’
    ‘If Anne Marie had been here the night she’d of seen this.’
    ‘If she’d stayed a bit later last night she’d of seen you daein it in the flesh, if you’ll pardon the pun.’
    ‘You don’t need tae remind me. Ah feel sick.’
    ‘It’s just yer stomach gettin back tae normal. You’ll be fine the morra.’
    Ah stood up.
    ‘Ah cannae believe this. Yous are actin as if nothin has happened.’
    Ah pressed the eject button and pulled the tape oot. Ah held it in ma haund.
    ‘Is this the only copy?’
    ‘Aye, Peter’s gonnae make us a couple mair this week but he gied me the master so’s we could watch it right away.’
    There was a perra scissors sittin on tap of the mantelpiece. Ah broke open the tape, pulled it oot the casin, the long black strip a film fanklin as it fell ontae the flair. Then ah lifted the scissors and started cuttin the film tae bits.
    John jumped up and tried tae get it oot ma haund but it was too late. Ah held it high in the air above his heid as he started tae wrestle it oot ma haund.
    ‘John, watch yersel on they scissors.’
    Tricia tried tae pull him away. Liz just sat there stunned.
    ‘Whit the fuck dae you think you’re daein? That’s ma tape you’re wreckin.’
    ‘Ah don’t want ma wee lassie seein me like that. And ah don’t want anybuddy else tae see it ever again.’
    Ah pushed him away fae me and continued cuttin, pullin mair tape oot and cuttin till there was nae way it could be repaired.
    John was sittin on the flair, Tricia’s airm round him.
    ‘Come on, John, let’s go.’
    ‘Ah’m really sorry, John, Tricia, ah don’t know whit’s got intae him the night.’
    ‘It’s OK. Talk tae you later.’
    Liz showed them oot the door while ah went through tae the kitchen and stuck the tape in the bin. Liz came through once they were away.
    ‘Whit was all that about?’
    She didnae sound angry, just confused, but ah couldnae talk aboot it then.
    ‘Ah’m gaun oot for a walk.’
    ‘Jimmy, watch yersel …’
    ‘Ah’m OK. Ah’m just gaun oot for a walk. Ah’ll be back later. See you.’
    At first ah started tae walk, just walk, no thinkin aboot where ah was gaun. Everythin was a blur. Ah kept ma heid doon watchin the pavement, grey wi rain, and the smudged headlights a motors