Buddha Da by Anne Donovan Page B

Anne Marie tae see her daddy like that.’
    ‘I see. Jimmy, you know in your job when you are painting people’s houses how do you prepare the room?’
    Ah looked at him. ‘Prepare the room?’
    ‘Tell me the steps you go through.’
    ‘Well you start strippin the auld wallpaper.’
    ‘And when you’ve started doing that, does it look better or worse than before?’
    ‘Worse usually, you mean when the paper’s hauf stripped and that, aye?’
    ‘That’s right. And then when the room is all decorated and finished … it looks better again, yes?’
    ‘Yeah.’
    ‘The mind is like a house, with many rooms. And some people’s houses are very clean and tidy and clear while other people’s houses have lots of junk in them. But our minds are very clever – we can keep some parts of our minds tidy by pushing the junk into other rooms. The meditation process is one of clearing. We need to clear the junk from the rooms we don’t use, to pull it out, look at it. And it can get very messy for a while. But if we don’t do it we don’t ever get clear. I think you are just starting, Jimmy.’
    Ah sat quiet for a minute, thinkin aboot whit he said. It made so much sense. Ah could see it that clear; ah minded a cartoon in a comic we used tae get when we were wee, called the Numskulls, ah think. Each picture was of a heid cut doon the middle so you could see inside. It was just like that, as if there was wee hooses inside the brain. Each section had a wee guy in it, controllin whit was happenin. When the person was sleepin the eyes would be havin a kip and when he was eatin the mouth would start workin overtime.
    ‘Jimmy, let’s go into the meditation room.’
    We sat doon in fronty the Buddha, just me and him. It was the first time ah’d ever meditated alone wi him.
    ‘Instead of doing the mindfulness of breathing I want you to sit and observe yourself. Observe your breath, observe your body, what it feels like. Take your attention round your body and just note how it’s feeling; don’t correct, don’t judge, just feel. Then try to think of each of the people in your life that mean the most to you; your daughter, your wife, your brother. Take each of them into your consciousness and allow yourself to be conscious of how you feel about them. Don’t try to force a feeling, don’t try to feel good about them if you don’t – justlet the feelings come and go as they wish, but without judgement.’
    So ah done what he said. At first when he was tellin me it sounded dead complicated but he helped me, talked me through each part. It was as if ah’d never felt ma body afore; felt the tightness in ma airms and legs, the openness of ma chest, the wee niggles that ran aboot inside me that usually ah never even think aboot. Then as ma breathin slowed doon and ah sterted tae feel mair relaxed he took me through each person in turn. That was the really hard bit because as each feelin came up he tellt me no tae judge it. Wi Anne Marie ah just felt that ashamed that ah’d let her doon, even though she’d no seen me. Ah mean here she is, nearly a teenager, wi a daddy that acts like an eejit and all the time he’s gaun tae meditation classes. Then Liz. That was haurd too cos ah love her – always have – but somehow ah cannae get her tae unnerstaund how this is that important tae me. There’s a gap openin up between us. Ah can feel it and ah’m scared. Ah don’t want it tae be like this but ah don’t know whit tae dae. And John, ma brother. There we are pissed oot wer heids sayin how much we love each other and we cannae dae it when we’re sober.
    The tears sterted tae come, right runnin doon ma cheeks, and ma body was heavin, don’t think ah’ve grat like that since a was a wee boy. Ah sat on the cushions, shudderin wi sobs and these big snotters runnin doon ma face. The Rinpoche handed me a great big white hanky; ah blew ma nose and it sounded like a car backfirin in the quiet of the meditation room. And ah fund masel