Cannibal Dwarf Detective: An Ephemeral Beardening by Hunter Wiseman, Hayden Wiseman

it. When he
finally reaches his office he can see that it’s been ransacked.
    “No, that’s how it always looks,”
Jeac says to me for some reason.
    He walks down the hall to Armando’s
office. Armando and Alfonzo are inside drinking and looking rather distraught.
Jeac decides it’ll be a good idea to enter with a laugh so he goes a little
ways up the stairway adjacent to the office and jumps from the handrail to a
nearby chandelier. He swings through the office window and rolls over his shoulder.
    They don’t laugh. Instead they
quickly pull their weapons and aim them at the unrecognizable dwarf.
    “Who the hell are you and why are you
breaking windows in my station?” Armando asks. He pulls back the hammer on the
pistol in his hand. “Answer quickly, dwarf.”
    “You mean you don’t recognize me?”
Jeac asks.
    “Of course not,” Armando says. “The
paragraph above this described you as unrecognizable.”
    “It’s me. Jeac!” He glances between
the two of them and flashes a smile.
    “You can’t be Jeac,” Armando says.
“Jeac died out in the desert two months ago.”
    “Eaten by a giant shark volcano
thing, is the tale I often hear,” Alfonzo pipes in. “Besides, if you really are
him, you have a whole lot of Wednesday to catch up on. And I have enough anger
to make those Wednesdays feel like an eternity.”
    “Well, I can prove that I’m Jeac
right now by telling you that Wednesday is the day of my weekly beatings. Proof
enough?”
    Alfonzo brings his banana-peel hand
across Jeac’s face.
    “No!” screams the banana man. “I’m
just kidding, it does but that’s just the start of what’s to come, you fool.”
    “We can get to all that later, can’t
we?” Jeac asks. “I’ve been out there in those wastes for a long while and not
once did I release bladder.”
    Fun fact: Dwarfs, like camels, have
multiple bladders and don’t have to go to the bathroom for weeks at a time.
This of course is why they smell so bad.
    “But of course you sexy bastard. Take
your break,” replies Armando, interrupting Alfonzo.
    Jeac turns out the door and toward
the bathroom down the hall. He can’t help but shake the feeling that someone is
following him.
    “Why can I not shake this feeling
that someone is following me?” he whispers to himself.
    Jeac jumps around in a full 180
degree motion to see that no one is there. He can’t help but think that it must
have simply been his imagination.
    “It must have simply been my
imagination,” he says to no one in particular.
    Armando follows Jeac into the nearby
restroom. He sees Jeac leaning up against a wall and makes his way towards the
only urinals in the bathroom. Jeac watches suspiciously as Armando relieves
himself. He waddles over to the urinal beside him. However, Jeac – being a
dwarf, is unable to reach the wall-mounted urinal. Jeac tears his shirt off,
drops trout (like literally, he drops a fish on the ground), leans back and
aims with the fiercest arch. The two men glance around the room, avoiding eye
contact at all costs when suddenly Jeac sees it.
    “Jumbo banana frits!” he shouts.
    Jeac loses all control and fills the
room with months of stored up dwarven waste. Armando’s face turns bright red as
he bunches up. He shakes it and looks sternly at the gaping dwarf.
    “What? You didn’t think I was
completely human, did you?”
    Jeac turns to face the camera of the
book that is your mind and shrugs.
     
    Armando’s penis is a
banana.
     
     
    Chapter 18
    Ranch Dressing and Water Baby stand
together, appalled by the new found knowledge that the planet is no longer
whole. Chandaka hasn’t been whole for a very long time.
    “How could no one know about this?”
Water Baby asks.
    “I guess the tower has just kept it a
secret,” Ranch replies. “Typical.”
    Water Baby shimmies closer to the
edge.
    “This is remarkable. How is this
planet still in orbit?” she asks.
    Ranch stands, eyes wide, jaw
clenched.
    A muggy shadowy mist floats