Celebutards by Andrea Peyser Page A

humor.
    One day in April 2007, the very earnest, serious, and deeply annoying singer Sheryl Crow made a point on the Web about waste, global warming and all manner of business near and dear to her celebutard heart. But rather than being taken seriously, her illiterate ramblings on combating pollution caused her to become the butt of ridicule and late-night TV jokes.
    In a posting entitled, “Apr 19th Stop Global Warming College Tour: Sheryl and Laurie” (that would be Laurie David, environmentalist ex-wife of Seinfeld creator Larry David) “Go to School,” Sheryl crowed to fans of her elevator-style music: “I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigation. One of my favorites is the idea of conserving trees which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares [sic] of toilet paper can be used at any one sitting. Now, I don’t want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required. When presenting this idea to my younger brother, who’s [sic] judgement [sic] I trust implicitly, he proposed taking it one step further. I believe his quote was, ‘how bout just washing the one square out.’”
    Sheryl also liked the idea of not using paper napkins, which, she claimed, were made from virgin wood and represented the “heighth [sic] of wastefullness [sic].” She designed a clothing line called a “dining sleeve.” The design offered “the diner the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product.” Always on the ball, Crow also added, “I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold.”
    She later said it was a joke designed to get attention. It did. One thing is true: Sheryl Crow is designing a clothing line. So far, there’s been no word from the singer about the wasteful duplication of human resources which results when recording artists double up as fashion designers.
    Sheryl Suzanne Crow was born February 11, 1962, in Kennett, Missouri, the third of four children born to Wendell Crow, a trumpet player and lawyer, and Bernice, a piano teacher. Sheryl was a cheerleader and athlete in high school and received a bachelor’s degree at the University of Missouri, before becoming an elementary school teacher by day who worked on her music career at night. Crow’s first major break came when she toured with Michael Jackson during his BAD world tour in the late 1980s. She finally hit it huge on her own with her 1993 album Tuesday Night Music Club , containing some of her biggest hits. She followed it with a self-titled album that delved into standard political ditties, about homelessness, abortion and nuclear war.
    The public first learned the extent of Crow’s severe case of celebutardisty when, during the televised 2003 American Music Awards, she came onstage twice wearing a T-shirt bearing the message, “War is not the answer.” Crow explained her political statement this way to reporters: “I think war is never the answer to solving any problems. The best way to solve problems is to not have enemies.”
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    “I think war is never the answer to solving any problems. The best way to solve problems is to not have enemies.”
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    Sheryl, think it through! Are you trying to say that all “problems”—including terror attacks against American citizens—were brought on by ourselves because we provoked our enemies? I’m always astonished by the mindless sloganeering of famous folks. I guess if we just capitulate to enemies, disregard our freedoms, turn our back on our