Changing Everything by Molly McAdams

keep moving. “But I’m not trying to ruin your happiness. I know I’ve done that more times than I can imagine . . . I know, and I’m so goddamn sorry.”
    “Language,” she chastised softly.
    “But this isn’t about missing my wingman. This isn’t about being afraid to lose my best friend to a guy like Brett. This is about realizing something I should have years ago, and being fucking terrified that I’m about to lose the best thing to ever happen to me.”
    She swallowed hard and tried to turn her head, and when my hands wouldn’t let her, she shut her eyes.
    “You can’t do this to me, Eli,” Paisley murmured. “I told you everything—I laid a decade worth of secrets and feelings out on the table, and you did not reciprocate one of those. I get that I kind of just threw everything on you all at once. I get that I blindsided you with my confession. But even if I got past you avoiding me for the following two weeks, and even if I could forget what you told me outside of Grind, I will never be able to forget how horrified you looked when I told you that I loved you. And it’s because of that image that is stuck in my mind that I can’t believe what you’re saying now—no matter how much I want to.”
    Paisley hadn’t once opened her eyes throughout that, and somehow that fact made this harder. Because it just confirmed how badly I’d hurt her if she couldn’t even look at me while she said those things.
    My breaths came heavily as I tried to find the words to say for her to understand how serious I was about this—about us. I wished I’d thought of something before I came over here and started fumbling my words to the point where I was sure I was making it worse.
    “I want you , Paisley. I want your propped-up pillows that I hate so damn much, but know you can’t sleep without. I want to split milkshakes and cupcakes with you so I don’t have to choose one flavor and don’t have to eat the frosting. I want Sunday mornings with you every morning for the rest of our lives, because any day that starts with you is perfect. I want to always give you the first bite of my food, because I know the first bite of anything is your favorite. I want you to always get annoyed when I cuss because that face you make when I do is one of my favorites.”
    Tears slipped from her closed eyes. The sight made it feel like someone was gripping my heart and slowly squeezing.
    “I never want to make you cry again unless they’re happy tears. I want to know you so much better than I already do. I want to know where to kiss and touch you to make your eyes close. I want to know what to do to make you moan my name. I want to finally understand why you hate cussing so much. I want to know what you want for your future, and I want to be the one to give it to you. I love you, and I want to spend every day for the rest of my life loving you, Paisley. I’m sorry it took me so long, but please don’t take you from me.”
    A few seconds passed without a response from her before she said, “I have to go.”
    “Paisley—”
    “Please, let me go,” she whimpered, and finally her eyes opened.
    “I can’t do that,” I replied honestly.
    A weighted breath left her, and she brought her small hands up to remove mine. “You need to learn how.”
    I knew we weren’t talking about physically, and I wasn’t ready for this. I couldn’t let her go—I couldn’t lose her. “Don’t ask me to do that.”
    She couldn’t have moved me no matter how hard she tried, but my hands still fell from her face when she shook her head and said, “I’m sorry.”
    My arms fell heavily to my sides, and I stared at the sidewalk as she moved around me to leave. I wanted to keep fighting for her, I wanted to keep showing her how much I wanted this, but I was afraid that all I was doing was hurting her. And after finding out that I’d been doing exactly that for years—I wasn’t sure I could force myself to hurt her any more.
    September 21,