Diary of a Wimpy Vampire by Tim Collins

which would get crushed, and then I’d have to go back to using my old one, which doesn’t have a c olour screen.
    It wouldn’t even hurt, as I don’t feel pain. But I make up for this with the emotional pain I feel, which is the worst anyone has ever experienced in history.
    W EDNESDAY 13 TH A PRIL
    When you think about it, it’s not very easy for a vampire to end it all. Even if you had the strength, it would be hard to drive a stake through your own heart, and beheading yourself would be tricky.
    Dad once told me that the Archduchess of Austria managed to chop her own head off on a guillotine when Aldric of Lyons left her for a younger vampire during the French Revolution, but this is probably just another one of his tall stories.
    I once saw a jar of garlic capsules in a health food shop, and wondered if I would die if I washed the lot down with holy water. I don’t really want to try, though. I’ll probably just get the worst migraine in vampire history. And my sister will choose that exact moment to blast out her teen pop at full volume.
    No, I have no choice but to navigate this eternal river of loneliness in a boat of solitude.
    Note to self: I must remember to include this powerful image in a poem.
    T HURSDAY 14 TH A PRIL
    8 AM
    There’s only a month to go until I turn 100. I can’t believe I’m nearly 100 and I haven’t even fed on a girl’s neck yet. Most vampires have done it loads of times when they reach that age.
    12 AM
    My parents suggested that we go for a family hike today. Needless to say I refused. In the end, they went off without me, saying that I didn’t know what I’m missing.
    I do know what I’m missing - the point of existence.
    2 AM
    I once read that a huge asteroid is going to destroy the world in a few hundred years. I’m willing it to hurry up, but I’ve got a suspicion that even the destruction of the world won’t kill me. I’ll just end up floating aimlessly around space for the rest of eternity. It won’t be that different from my current life, when you think about it.

    F RIDAY 15 TH A PRIL
    How could this cruel universe let me get so close to happiness and then snatch it from me?
    It is like glimpsing a rainbow only to be condemned to darkness. It is like hearing beautiful music only to be condemned to silence. It is like smelling sweet rose petals before being condemned to Maths teacher breath.
    I am truly at rock bottom.
    S ATURDAY 16 TH A PRIL
    11 AM
    The hair I tape over my diary to make sure no one opens it has been broken!
    I am so angry with my sister! I know she is the culprit because no one else has been in our house and my parents are too self-absorbed to care about what I’m going through. I am absolutely fuming. As soon as Mum and Dad go out hunting tonight, I intend to confront her.
    11 PM
    I would like to make a correction. When I wrote yesterday that I was at rock bottom, I got it wrong. I have just been beaten up by my little sister. Now I am at rock bottom.
    When Mum and Dad went out, I dashed into her room and told her that I knew she’d been reading my diary. At first she denied it but when I told her about the hair, she had no choice but to confess. She said she’d only looked at it for a couple of minutes anyway because it was really boring.
    I know that as a child, she can hardly be expected to understand the depth of emotion I deal with in these pages, but I must admit that this criticism sent me into a violent rage and I attempted to strike her.
    As I’ve previously mentioned, my sister has all the mighty speed and strength expected of vampires, so she easily caught my hand, twisted it behind my back and slammed me into a headlock. She held me in this position until I promised not to lash out again and admitted that my real name was ‘Mr Smellypants’.
    You might have won this one, little fiend. But I shall never forget this mistreatment.

    S UNDAY 17 TH A PRIL
    The only positive thing to come from my recent experiences is that I’m writing