Ends and Odds by Samuel Beckett

complacent
.) Ah these old spectres from the days of book reviewing, they lie in wait for one at every turn. (
Pause. Suddenly decided
.) Note it, Miss, note it, and come what may. As well for a sheep … (
Pause
.) Who is this woman … what’s the name?
    S: Maud. I don’t know, Sir, no previous mention of her has been made.
    A (
excited):
Are you sure?
    S: Positive, Sir. You see, my nanny was a Maud, so that the name would have struck me, had it been pronounced.
    Pause.
    A: I may be quite wrong, but I somehow have the feeling this is the first time—oh I know it’s a far call!—that he has actually …
named
anyone. No?
    S: That may well be, Sir. To make sure I would have to check through from the beginning. That would take time.
    A: Kith and kin?
    S: Never a word, Sir. I have been struck by it. Mine play such
    a part, in my life!
    A: And of a sudden, in the same sentence, a woman, with
    Christian name to boot, and a brother. I ask you!
    Pause.
    S: That twin, Sir …
    A: I know, not very convincing.
    S (
scandalized):
But it’s quite simply impossible! Inside him!
Him!
    A: No no, such things happen, such things happen. Nature, you know … (
Faint laugh
.) Fortunately. A world without monsters, just imagine! (
Pause for imagining
.) No, that is not what troubles me. (
Warmly
.) Look you, Miss, what counts is not so much the
thing
, in itself, that would astonish me too. No, it’s the word, the notion. The notion brother is not unknown to him! (
Pause
.) But what really matters is this woman—what name did you say?
    S: Maud, Sir.
    A: Maud!
    S: And who is in milk, what is more, or about to be.
    A: For mercy’s sake! (
Pause
.) How does the passage go again?
    S (
rereading):
“Me get up, me go on, what a hope, it was he, for hunger. Have yourself opened, Maud would say,opened up, it’s nothing, I’ll give him suck if he’s still alive, ah but no, no no.” (
Pause
.) “No no.”
    Pause.
    A: And then the tear.
    S: Exactly, Sir. What I call the human trait.
    Pause.
    A (
low, with emotion):
Miss.
    S: Sir.
    A: Can it be we near our goal. (
Pause
.) Oh how bewitching you look when you show your teeth! Ah were I but … thirty years younger.
    S: It is well after three, Sir.
    A (
sigh):
Good. Where he left off. Once more.
    S: “Oh but no, no—”
    A:
Ah
but no. No?
    S: You are quite right, Sir. “Ah but no, no—”
    A (
severely):
Have a care, Miss.
    S: “Ah but no, no no.” (
Pause
.) “No no.”
    A (
ruler):
On! (
Silence
.) Dick!
    S: He has gone off, Sir.
    A: Just a shade lighter, Dick. (
Mild thud of pizzle
.) Ah no, you exaggerate, better than that. (
Swish and violent thud. Faint cry from
FOX.
Ruler
.) Ah but no, no no. On!
    F (
scream):
Let me out! Peter out in the stones!
    A: Ah dear! There he goes again. Peter out in the stones!
    S: It’s a mercy he’s tied.
    A (
gently):
Be reasonable, Fox. Stop-you may sit, Dickstop jibbing. It’s hard on you, we know. It does not lie entirely with us, we know. You might prattle away to your latest breath and still the one … thing remain unsaid that can give you back your darling solitudes, we know. But this much is sure: the more you say the greater your chances. Is that not so, Miss?
    S: It stands to reason, Sir.
    A (
as to a backward pupil):
Don’t ramble! Treat the subject, whatever it is! (
Snivel
.) More variety! (
Snivel
.) Those everlasting wilds may have their charm, but there is nothing there for us, that would astonish me. (
Snivel
.) Those micaceous schists, if you knew the effect (
snivel
) they can have on one, in the long run. (
Snivel
.) And your fauna! Those fodient rodents! (
Snivel
.) You wouldn’t have a handkerchief, Miss, you could lend me?
    S: Here you are, Sir.
    A: Most kind. (
Blows nose abundantly
.) Much obliged.
    S: Oh you may keep it, Sir.
    A: No no, now I’ll be all right. (
To
FOX.) Of course we do not know, any more