Fat Chance by Brandi Kennedy

songs come and go, as real and effective the first ones; by the time I take my exit from the interstate and head into the small town where Janet lives, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm feeling strong, and I'm feeling beautiful. Fat or thin, short or tall, I am a woman, and the sheer complexity of my woman-ness makes me a beautiful creation.
     
    Pulling up in front of the house, though, I'm glad it's only a one-day event. I know I can make it through one day, especially since I haven't been here in years and I honestly can go several more years before Janet obligates me to come again. Pleasant or not, Rick is not an everyday part of my life, and I need to stop thinking as if he is.
     
    Like Dr. Caswell said, it's time for me to take back my power. It's time for me to be the one who decides whether I'm lovely or not, or worthy, or attractive.
     
    It's time for me to stop standing in the driveway and go inside.
     
    "Hey."
     
    I spin around, thankful that I didn't wear a slender heeled boot today, instead going for a wide chunky heel that offers better balance. There's Rick, crossing the yard to come over, and I sigh. It's like he was lying in wait.
     
    Win before you start. Confidence, I remind myself. I'm not feeling it, but if there's one thing I know how to do, it's pretend I'm a super-confident, super-strong woman who doesn't care what anyone thinks. So in that moment, I check my personal honesty at the door, and I sink into my role as a woman who has an ultimate, unshakeable belief in my own power to be amazing.
     
    "Hey," I say, forcing myself to step forward and look into his grey eyes. His face is all angles and chiseled lines; he'd be very handsome if there wasn't such ugliness behind the facade.
     
    "Coming home to hang with the skinny folk today, huh?"
     
    The little girl inside of me shrivels back from the emotional blow, but I remain true to my chosen role for the day. "Yep," I say, cocking my head to side and looking him over as if I couldn't care less what he thinks. "You know us chubby girls, we like variety in our lives. And I haven't met a fat girl yet who could resist Janet's pineapple upside-down cake."
     
    He laughs, but his eyes are confused; I've never come back at him like that before, and I can tell he isn't sure what to do about me changing the dynamic between us.
     
    "Oh, you take her recipes to chubby club, do you?" he asks.
     
    "Well, you know what? I've tried, but I make the cake in the morning and we have our fatty meetings in the evening," I lie. "And I've never had a pineapple upside-down last that long. Can't you tell?" I do a little spin, and my dress kisses the back of my knees. I see his eyes fall as he takes me in, big but bold in my red dress. His gaze lingers at the 'v' of my dress, which nauseates me, and then he meets my gaze again.
     
    "I'm not surprised," he says, and I celebrate a silent victory. He doesn't know what to do with my new attitude; for the moment, he will leave me alone, recovering his calm coldness. As he turns his back on me and walks up the porch steps to Janet's front door, I smile to myself, adjusting my purse on my shoulder and running my fingers through my hair.
     
    "Be quick up those stairs. I'm coming up behind you and they might collapse," I laugh, cruelly making fun of myself because I love the power it gives me over him. I no longer believe those things, but I love the shift of power, as I claim myself. In addressing my body before he can, I have taken a step out of the corner he pushed me into as a girl; I have approached him as a woman who knows herself and does not require the feedback of a bully from the past.
     
    He doesn't look back, only walks through the door, and I am surprised to finding him standing there when I cross the porch. He opens the door for me, and as I meet his eyes, he says simply, "Touché."
     
    I walk past him swiftly, knowing that I leave a pretty cloud of French vanilla perfume in my wake. I stalk through the living room