Graduates in Wonderland by Jessica Pan

impossible to see anyone. Here, though, I feel steady and calm and peaceful, and I start to wonder: Even though I love my work environment, do I really love my job? Is that what I want to be doing for the next twenty years? And why am I even in New York, other than the fact that it was the default graduation plan?
    To my older sister, who traveled around forever and then moved to Madison after graduation, these questions seem so stupid. “Rachel, nobody is making you stay! Can’t you just leave?” she asks.
    I hadn’t even considered that. When you want to work in the art/publishing/creative universe, New York seems like the only place to be. But when you hear it said out loud like that, it seems so obvious that there are other great places.
    I’ve been going back and forth with my future plans. I always thought I’d go to creative writing grad school at a certain point, but I feel like that’s just following too closely in my father’s footsteps. Also, I really only want to go to one school, and the deadline for the Iowa Writers’ Workshop is in just a few days. On the other hand, I just read a book of short stories from the Workshop’s alumni, and so many people just write about being middle-­aged professors who hate their spouses and have affairs with their students, or who have to run their English departments. It’s hardly fiction, and I feel like I haven’t lived enough to really focus on my writing. I don’t think I’m ready.
    When I really let myself dream big, in my fantasy I get to study film and live in Paris, the city I love the most. The six months I spent there during college made me so happy, and I’ve always vowed to find a way to return.
    And so I’ve applied for a Fulbright fellowship. I just want to see if I’ll get it. No, that’s a lie. I applied for it because I want one SO BADLY. Instant ticket to a new life. Rosabelle also applied for one, to Argentina. I think being at home makes adventures seem both more exciting and more possible, but also somehow more imaginary (like, I don’t think about how to sign up for French health insurance, only planning my outfits for wandering along the Seine).
    Also, you don’t deserve this, because you were far too flippant toward Oprah and her wisdom, but she had some advice that I think you should know about.
    You can make your own potpourri and turn it into sachets!
    Just kidding.
    ACTUALLY, her advice was: Stop looking for The One, but before you do, think hard about what you really want. You’re supposed to write a list of everything you want in someone, and you should be very specific, even down to eye color, height, weight, etc., and then you just let it go. So of course I did it. Thinking, I’ll never be able to let it go.
    Okay, and yes, this might be embarrassing, but here is the list (you make one too):
    1.Must be very sensitive and yet strong and decisive about everyday life
    2.Hilarious but in the throw-­off sort of way (not trying to make everyone laugh all of the time)
    3.Must kind of sort of want children but be willing to wait a very long time
    4.Pretty eyes
    5.Foreign is ideal. I like making fun of accents.
    6.Medium build, slim but fit
    7.Athletic but not obnoxiously so
    8.Interested in the arts, especially books
    9.Must think that I am delightful and endearing, always
    10.Must never fight with me, or be very satisfying to fight with (as in, I can always convince him that I am right)
    11.Loves dogs
    12.Speaks more than one language
    13.Has interesting family, so we are not bored over the holidays and I am reassured about our children’s genetics
    14.Charm too is most important but must not flirt with other women
    15.Between five ten and six feet
    16.Interesting career, must not work too much (no more than ten hours a day usually )
    17.Love to travel, desire to live abroad
    18.Calm, deep, pensive
    19.Should smoke some of the time, socially, but not too