He Comes Next by Ian Kerner

hate to hear it even more because, when it comes to sex, there’s no blow more devastating than the sucker punch of “boring.”
    Boring is the sexual kiss of death. Better to be called freaky, kinky, speedy, rusty, or even crusty (well, maybe not crusty)—or even selfish, nervous, erratic; distracted, neurotic, sporadic; uptight, fucked up, phlegmatic—anything but boring.
    Yet sexual boredom and lack of interest in sex are probably the two most common complaints I hear from couples, especially, ironically enough, from young ones who are often just a few years into a relationship. In a society that emphasizes instant gratification and quick fixes, where we’re bombarded with sex talk, but starved for meaningful sexual discourse, the seven-year itch is making people scratch even earlier. And without guidance or a sense of perspective, all of us are too likely to jump ship, or at least jump to the conclusion that our relationship must be fundamentally flawed.
    But what if I told you that there was a biological basis for the sexual boredom that often creeps into our relationships? What if I told you that Nature, herself, ironically stokes the flames of desire, only to douse them later, leaving us with embers that must be reignited to avoid going permanently frigid?
     
    Secrets from the Underground
     
    During my interviews for this book, I asked twenty-five happily married and committed men and women if they would ever commit infidelity in the form of a one-night stand if they knew beyond a shadow of a doubt they’d get away with it, with no consequences whatsoever. Now clearly this wasn’t a particularly scientific poll, but of the twenty-five men surveyed, seventeen said they’d do it, as opposed to only two women who would.
    So what would compel a happily involved guy to take a free pass at a one-night stand?
    Ladies, if you were a fly on the wall during Poker Night, here’s what you might hear.
     
     
     
    “I love my wife, but I’m not in love with her.”
    “I’d kill for a little strange ” (aka, “a fresh piece of pussy”).
    “The sex just doesn’t sizzle anymore.”
    “Sizzle? Please . My sex life makes C-Span seem exciting.”
     
     
     
    And, trust me, I’m well aware that men aren’t the only ones who get bored with sex. If anything, recent studies have shown that rates of female infidelity have been outstripping those of men, so to speak. Rest assured, guys, that if you were a fly on the wall at Girls’ Night Out, your little wings would likely burst into flames:
     
     
     
    “I love him, but he doesn’t make me hot anymore.”
    “If the thought of him enters my mind when I masturbate, I can’t come.”
    “The only way I can get off with my boyfriend is by pretending one of us is somebody else.”
    “I would kill to have rough all-night sex (with any man other than my husband).”
    “Balancing my checkbook is more stimulating.”
     
     
     
    But this begs the question: Do men and women cheat for the same basic reasons?
    As we discussed earlier, men are generally able to separate sex from love more easily—they can commit adultery and still genuinely love their wives—“it’s sex, not love.” This ability to separate the two supports the idea that sexual desire in men is more closely linked to arousal than it is in women and less dependent on emotional context.
    When women are unfaithful, it’s generally tied to broader relationship factors, for instance a prolonged sex rut at home, a breakdown in communication, or a pattern of long-term neglect. In my experience, married men are just as likely to have a one-night stand as they are to have an ongoing affair, whereas women are more likely to have full-blown affairs than one-night stands. Women often cheat, looking for a new chance at love, while men often cheat, at least at the outset, for the sheer excitement of sex with a new partner and the sense of risk that accompanies infidelity. In fact, I’ve talked to many men who