Hide and Seek by Amy Bird

my fingers up to my eyes and then turn them back to her in an ‘I’m watching you’ gesture. Although, actually, I never want to see the woman again. Quite a bonus, actually, that it was adoption not just an affair with Max Reigate, because Will is never going to fucking forgive her, and we might never need to go back to that house again. Even though she is starting to make sense to me now, with her ‘Give Will a family’ comments on the eve of our wedding. She meant a real family. She knew, in her heart of hearts, that she didn’t count.
    But now, now that we’ve lost her, I need to slow Will down. Or we’ll lose Leo too. And I’ll just be Ellie again. Which isn’t really what I want. I suppose.
    “Will,” I breathe. “Will. Stop.” I squeeze his hand too, to give my words some weight.
    Gradually, he slows down. We stand next to each other, panting.
    Then he turns to me, and he just says the most tragic thing: “I don’t know who I am.”
    But I do know who he is. And I tell him. He’s my husband, soon to be a father, a wonderful medical academic, the son of Max and Sophie Reigate.
    He shakes his head.
    “But my core,” he says. “In here.” He thumps at his chest, where I guess he imagines his heart to be. “Who am I? What are my values? What’s my history? I thought it was all in that house. But that house was all a lie.”
    “They should have told you,” I agree. “Years ago. But you’re still you. You’re lovely, kind, strong, sexy, clever you. And I love you.”
    I put my arms around him. He stays rigid for a moment then he hugs me back.
    “Thank you,” he says.
    And slowly, slowly, we walk home. Will doesn’t talk. I talk. I prattle about how great it is that he knows the truth and can find out more about his real parents, how we can move on from that bitch Gillian and her stooge John, about how wonderful parenthood will be. There is no response. His head, I think, must be full. There is no space for my words too.
    But it was for the best. A brutal way to find out. Yet they wouldn’t tell us any other way. They wanted to keep him captive in his fake life forever. Wanted to be the ideal parents that they could never be. Partly because they were fake. Imagine living in a house with such a secret. Where every act, every form to fill in, every request for a birth certificate, is a challenge to stop ‘your son’ finding the truth. I could almost feel sorry for Gillian, and the strain it must have placed on her, if she weren’t such a witch. But partly because of that oppression – over-bearing protectiveness of a false life is one thing. Over-bearing protectiveness of a real little boy, a real teen, a real adult is another. Sure, I didn’t see him in those first two stages, but I can imagine. If her smothering affection is anything to go by now. My mum, she always got it just right. She was there when I needed her, but drifted away into the background when I didn’t. Like she’d cease to exist for a bit. But she did always go on existing, throughout, presumably. As Caroline. As a wife. As a woman. As a nurse. Even if I only saw her as Mum.
    When we get home, Will goes straight to bed. I help him undress, then pull the covers over him as he clambers into bed. I think he is asleep, but then I see his eyes on me as I undress. I climb into bed next to him, facing his way before we get to our customary spooning. “It was better to know,” I say, and he nods.
    I roll over and he clasps me tight in our usual position, him right up against my back, arms round my front. His body is shaking. Tears. “It will all be all right in the morning,” I whisper. I feel the lie of it, as Mum must have done, sometimes. He must do too, because the shaking continues until it is rocking me to sleep.

Chapter Fifteen
    -Will-
    Is there some kind of protocol you’re meant to follow when you find out your world is a lie? That your life is not your life? That your father is not your father, but the man who is,